hi guys,
first let me say that I'm so grateful for the best wishes and support as i dealt with my inlaws. i was able to sneak away for a bit periodically and post, and it was a lifesaver! To say my mil and fil don't get it is an understatement. it was 9 days of "interesting" comments from them. no matter what I said seemed to roll off their backs like water on a duck. on the plus side, I got to talk to sil, who they believe is the perfect one. turns out she's as cranky as I am, but is better about holding it in and setting boundaries. I just get mad and snap, making me # 3 favorite daughter-in-law, behind sil (#1) and in # 2 spot, "anybody but lisa" . also found out that sil wanted to adopt (can't have any more kids due to health reasons), but dh's parents said no (
so what do they have to do with anything?). i told her I'd send her info on adoption, and she and her husband should do what is in their hearts (she's from the philippines, and they're a bit more traditional, respecting parents and all that). wonder what inlaws feel about dd- or that we didn't ask their permission
. That said, we all survived intact and were thrilled to leave new york.
we arrived in chicago (after a bit of an evil flight: original flight cancelled for mechanical problems, having to reschedule on another airline, then problems with paperwork, finding our luggage, arriving in chicago about 7 hours late!) and went straight to see bmom's family (they were not about to wait
). it was great to see everyone, and it felt just like family. Even dd, who was pretty reluctant to be touched by anyone in NY (wonder why?
), was very tolerant and enjoyed being passed around to the aunts, cousins, grandparents and bmom! We spent every day with bmom's family, and were able to see bdad's family on thursday and saturday (Bgreatgrandma, bgrandma, bdad, baunts, bcousins-1st and 2nd, plus assorted friends). They were quite nice to us and bdad even had the paperwork signed so we can go on to finalize. what was sweet is that we learned that he called dh on father's day to wish him a happy one-that really meant a lot to us.
we had a naming ceremony based on bmom's family's religious orientation (afrocentric, a particular group) which was nice because we got to meet all of dd's extended "family". the wording was great, the ceremony included dd's "mothers", "her parents" and "grandparents". lots of drumming and dancing which dd loved, great veggie food, just awesome. Also had time to talk alone with bmom (and bdad as well on another occasion, saying many of the same things). she says she's not having too much difficulty at the moment adjusting: I think she needs a bit of distance. apparently a few of her school friends have subsequently become pregnant and have chosen to parent, but she says that's them, not her. she believes she doesn't have a child, that dd is ours. i mentioned that we'll always view her as dd's first mom, and we love her dearly. we also talked about what dd would need from her (occasional cards, things that dd will treasure always, and that doesn't have to be deep, just to let dd know that she thinks of her occasionally). my feeling is that she'll start to let herself feel more in the future. at the moment she's doing what she needs. she did hold dd many times and dd loved her. she also watched dd a lot during the visit, I think trying to process things. dd's birthday is on the 7th, so she has a lot to process. We're having a birthday cake sent to them so they can join in the celebration from afar.
also found that bfamily calls dd by her birthname, and let them know that for what it's worth, we think that's fine. I grew up having mom's side of the family call me by my middle name, everyone else called me by my first name. it was no biggie for me and i think it will be no biggie for dd. If it is, she can just say no when she decides it's an issue-I'll back dd on whatever she wants with this issue. in the meantime, they use both names, but her birthname more frequently.
at the end of the visit, bmom's family said they couldn't imagine waiting another year to see dd, so they're trying to plan a trip out to see us
. we hope to be out there in the next year or two, so we'll see them and bdad's family again.
since we'd like to adopt again (in a year or so), I think we need to either adopt from CA or IL, just to make juggling all the families easier on us! Speaking of which, we stopped by bmom's agency and they were thrilled to see us! took tons of pictures. they also mentioned a situation of a hispanic/aa child due soon who has no aparents
! said we weren't ready, but maybe in the near future
.
What can I say but that it was a great time! we loved it, bfamilies loved it, and we can't wait to do it again, sans the inlaw part
. it really filled a need in me to bond with her bfamilies, and to see that they really cared for dd. it really has been an awesome trip. amazingly, it wasn't hard to see dd with her bfamilies-the hard part was not crying over the images. Thanks again for the moral support-couldn't have done it without you all.
lisa