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Hi Ilene,
I finally saw your pm to me and emailed you back. Now, I just saw your latest post...
Our son's birthmom is also pregnant again and we also feel a lot of responsibility for her and the new baby. So, I'm not sure what advice I can offer other than to say I understand the feelings.
In our case, birthmom really feels like she does not want to make an adoption plan for her new baby but said that if she does change her mind, she would want us to adopt the baby. Her family thinks she should go ahead with adoption again for all the same reasons that led her to place our son for adoption with us.
We have told her that she has our support for whatever she wants to do. When we visit with her in a few weeks, we told her we'll go to the store with her and help her buy some essentials (crib, car seat, etc.) for the baby. We really want to help but have to set our limits somewhere because we can't be her sole source of support as she tries to raise this child.
Anyway, I think it is very generous of you to help your daughter's birthmom find a family for the new baby and I can imagine that a part of you does wish you could adopt him/her as well. I also understand your husband and friend telling you to let birthmom work this out for herself. It is so hard to want to help and wonder what would be best. Have you asked birthmom if she would specifically like your help in finding a family for the baby? Maybe she would like it to be someone you know. First because she trusts you and has such a good open relationship with you. And second maybe she likes the idea of this baby growing up knowing of his/her birth-sibling in your family -- is that something you're comfortable with? How would the family from your church feel about that kind of openness? Just things to consider...
I always have to apologize for writing so much. There's lots to say.
Best, Ellie
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