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If you just ask and explain what you need...without necessarily going into details why or any intense emotion...I would imagine that they would respond favorably. ALSO having a 4 yr old myself, I don't even talk to my best friends hardly at all like I used to...there just doesn't seem to be the time. Parenting is SO much harder than I thought it would be. Unfortunately, A's bmom requested no contact for a while and that has made it hard for me. I have MOSTLY respected her wishes. About every 6 months I send a simple email hoping all is well with her family and re-stating that we are still open to contact and have lots of pictures/stories to share whenever she feels ready. No response yet. I am hoping that by keeping the door open a crack it will be easier for her to reach out rather than if it had been years with no contact.
These aparents you have described seem to be somewhere in the area of "lost in daily life/good intentions/moderate fears/loss for words around you" maybe they are anxious about what should be shared and how much detail. If they lean toward perfectionism, this can easily become a thing that doesn't happen for fear of not getting it right or no adequate time to prepare it right. They may also sense you have needs and be scared by that.
Try coming up with a list of things that you always want to know...a questionaire of sorts (aparents have LOTS of experience with forms and such) and then suggest a timetable of contact. For example, a phonecall on the first and third sunday of every month. Letter and pictures every 6 months and emails whenever. The questions should be similar to what has she learned most recently....how has she grown physically....any funny thing that she has said/done since the last time....favorite storybook/movie/show.....etc. I know sometimes things seem to be at a standstill day to day (to me) and gaps in time help make these milestones more visible and easier to recall. If you do decide to tell them how you feel, post here first and we can help edit. I know sometimes it feels like I am somewhat responsible for bparents pain and having to interact with someone when you feel that way makes you feel unworthy and riddled with guilt. Perhaps they are afraid of showing you reality and are simply trying to be the fairytale parents you hope they are. Mistakes are hard to admit anyway without the added pressure of adoption. AND nothing makes you feel so inadequate as parenting a smart, strong, determined 4 yr old.
I hope I helped some. Feel free to pick my brain anytime...
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