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DramaMama -- I assume you are in the first few years of parenting and in an open adoption. Those first few years ARE the hardest because the pay offs for the child (and you as the child's parent) are the hardest to see. I can only promise that as your child ages it will become infinitely clearer what the roles are responsibilities are.
For example, do you talk to your mom or sister about your baby? Do you discuss his progress, his new feats, the way his smile makes your day, his new tooth and the fact he loves peaches but hates peas? Sharing those things doesnt really detract from your parenting - and yes, they will probably attend birthday parties and be invited to school concerts.
I often say now (my kids are 10, 9, 7, 4) that my sister could live in our basement and my kids could see her EVERY day but she still wouldnt be "mommy". It wouldnt threaten me (unless she tried to discipline or take over my role as "mommy"). In the same way, visits with birthparents, letters and phone calls dont take anything away from me. My kids KNOW who their parents are -- and it has not so much to do with title as it does with the day-in, day-out constantness of contact. Its relationship building.
At around age 2 or 3 your son will "fall in love" with you. It has happened with every little boy I have ever seen -- yes he will love his birthparents, and his grandmas and his aunts/uncles/cousins but for those few precious months the sun will rise and set on mommy. Then comes preschool and kindergarten. Mother's Day teas, halloweens, Christmases.
You are going to hold a million precious memories. The key to his heart. You will be forever his "mommy". A relationship with his other mother will NEVER take that away from you. I know its hard to see, but right now you get EVERYTHING. The phone calls and the visits are small scraps compared to the depths of relationship you will get from/with your son.
I can also say that having contact (especially now as my kids are older) has been VERY beneficial to them. The security they get from the relationship is something I couldnt of given them alone. IT IS worth it. I promise.
Jen
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Jensboys - Mom of 4 Boys (2 adopted, 2 biological)  Reunited Sister
Fostering Miss Tiny and Miss Curious - Two Months and 13 months when placed May, 2009
Blogging about reunion with our 14 year old, Not reuniting with our 13 year old, transracial parenting, adoption and life as a minority family in a rural community. And oh yeah, now I have cancer.
'Oh, the audacity of authenticity. You’re going to confuse, piss-off and terrify lots of people – including yourself. You're going to pray it ends, then pray it never ends.' -- Brené Brown |