[mommy3]

Rebekah -- I can tell your heart and thoughts are allowing lots of new ideas to come on in! I'd want to support you 100% in how great you are listening and thinking about how to phrase your plans for this baby, but don't worry about not being "up" on the verbiage for adoption. The great thing about learning about the adoption community is there are such wonderfully supportive people AND we all were new (and still are with each new situation) to it all our first time, as well. The adoption PC words make sense because they reflect what we live, e.g., "placing a baby through adoption", etc. I subtley correct friends all the time because I want my children's lives frame in healthy ways -- not because I want to "correct" anyone, really.

About birthmom openness, I've heard so many times that birthmoms (our son's felt this way) don't expect or think they want much openness, and then as they get to know you and your family, good things just happen. She may want more openness sooner -- or a few months or years down the road -- esp. if you leave the door open. You'll all know what to do if other aspects of the situation seem good/okay otherwise, I bet. Yes, I do believe openness is healthy for the child, but I also believe it becomes natural for the rest of your family, esp. if it isn't forced. Yes, our son's birthfamily is close to our biological child, too, and cares about her, as well, so she's never felt left out or slighted. They give her presents and have a great time together, as well. That may develop down the road if it already isn't happening.

Still, every situation can be sooo different, so most importantly, what you and your husband feel you can deal with needs to be the foundation for you both. In adoption, we end up handling a lot more than we think we can, I've also found! As long as you keep hanging in there with the level of comfort that you can handle, go with it. I can remember going to meet our son's birthmom and then suddenly she's in labor and we're driving to the hospital in a strange city. We pulled over and all three of us said, "Are we okay with this? If we aren't along the way, any of us just needs to say so." We hung in there and all went well. We just kept checking in together, my husband, daughter and I. We're doing that again this time and it's helped so much.

The relinquishments, from what I understand, can sometimes be done in your own state rather than the other state, but it all depends upon the rules. If you don't have an agency or a lawyer yet, you clearly want one. If you get a lawyer, be sure to get one who mainly handles adoption, as the laws can go with you or against you, esp. with ICPC (interstate compacts/laws) issues.

If red or yellow warning flags crop up, figure out where they are coming from and deal with them individually. Feel free to pm me any time, as well. All the best, susan