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Jenna,
I do know how you feel. I thought, even when I was little I wanted to have 9 boys so I could have my own baseball team. When I was 15 and pregnant I did not find out my daughter was a girl until she was born(no great gender ultrasound in 1983). When the nurses told me I had a girl I knew in my heart she was special. Her adoption was arranged by my parents and my heart just knew there would never be another baby girl as beautiful and wonderful as she was. My parents arranged a closed adoption and I did not have the pleasure of seeing her grow up but she has always ben very much part of my life. A few years after her birth I was pregnant again and ready to build my baseball team, again I did not know the gender until Amy(notice not a boys name) was placed into my arms, tiny and perfect. All of a sudden the guilt was tremendous and I felt like I did not deserve to be her mother because in a way I was betraying the daughter I so badly wanted to raise but could not. My joy for Amy was mingled with grief for losing T******. I started looking at things a little differently with the help of a counselor and I let my heart accept the fact the I can and do love more than one daughter and I am a good mother to both of them, just in different ways. God must think I am a good mother to girls because like clockwork 2 years later Traci was born. Bubbly, giggly, little girls had taken over my life.
Another daughter will not replace munchkin, or insult or devalue her existance. Your feelings may be tumultuous at times and counseling can be a soulsaver during the down times. In the end it will all just make sense because you wont be able to imagine your life without either child, they are each an important part of who you are. One day they may very well have a strong bond because you are such a part of each of them.
On a side note, 4 years after Traci I finally did have a son. He is not a whole baseball team but he plays with the heart of the whole team. In fact I am headed out to watch his team play in the county play off games this afternoon. I still think of T****** everyday and love her always, Amy and Traci are still bubbly and giggly(at 17 and 19), and Jake will always be my baby boy though at 13 he kinda hates to hear that term. They all have their place in my life and I feel blessed that I am a part of each of them.
Keep smiling Jenna even when it seems hard to do.
Kitti
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