I normally write my really personal stuff like this post in my journal which gets a few PM's here and there. But I'd really like some feedback tonight and to come. So, feedback-ify me.
Prior to trying to conceive, we had discussed everything. Money, childcare, our readiness to parent and our eagerness to welcome a child into our loving home. In all respects, we were ready prior to even trying. Trying was a... well, blast.
And then that day is something I will never forget.
But I'm needing advice.
We don't find out Butterball's gender until the end of this month. (Where is time GOING?! OMG!) I am still of the belief that I am carrying a boy. Josh is saying girl, which makes me doubt my prediction as he was 100% right about everything before. And that doubt... that I could be having a girl... scares my pants off.
In fact, my fear went as far as this which, I will admit prior to writing it, is TOTALLY IRRATIONAL and ILLOGICAL. I am not normally LIKE this. I am claiming insanity by pregnancy hormones.
D found out the gender of their baby this past week. Right before she told me (over IM) my heart stopped beating, fearing that she was pregnant with a girl. Why? Not because I thought Munchkin would have competition because I feel that she can hold her own with ANYONE. (LOL, she's hilarious.) But because (and I'm warning you, this is irrational) I felt that if they were having a girl, my place in their life (from placement to now) was completely pointless. Then I shook my head and remembered that even though they specified girl on their initial profile, they wanted any child, regardless of gender. (See, irrational.) Anyway, she's having a boy.
SO, immediately after that, I started panicking that I AM having a girl. Why? Oh, everything. Every single thing. I remember the pain that sliced through me when the ultrasound technician told us that Munchkin was, in fact, a girl. I wonder if I can feel joy upon hearing those same words, knowing everything that I have lost with the Munchkin. I fear failing her. I fear being a Mother she hates. I fear so many things. On top of all of this fear of HAVING a girl... I fear I placed my only girl into the arms of another family. And that scares me even more. So, again with the irrationality.
I need a nap, yes no?
This has begun to turn rather rambly... so I will stop writing for a bit and regather my thoughts.