[mommy3]

I do understand all you are feeling -- give things time to settle in and grow. I have both a biological child, an adopted child and another adopted baby on the way in 7 weeks. In our family, because like you, we had a difficult time with pregnancies, I found that my own desire to have a larger family made adoption a natural step for us. I worried that I would love another child enough, too, but the first time I held my son at birth, my fears dissolved immediately. In adoption, there are beautiful statements about our babies growing in our hearts and then coming to our arms. I felt that way so clearly. Now, waiting for our third child (2nd adoption), I feel my baby in my heart all the time, even before we met her birthmother. It is difficult to wait and wonder in these last several weeks before our daughter's birth, but waiting in pregnancy almost killed me, literally, plus our babies died. Adoption is nerve-wracking, but I think we can agree that pregnancy wasn't a walk in the park in any way.

I do recommend that you read both on-line and in a book or two about open adoption, as it can be so much better for a child than closed adoption, and also better for your family. There are no secrets then and the child never feels their is a veil of secrets about WHY his birthmom didn't keep him -- as our new baby's birthmom says, "she was always wanted, just not planned" but that she "loves her so much, she wants what she cannot provide to her baby." We also were tenuous about open adoption initially and then our son's birth taught us that we had plenty of room for his extended family and how much we grew to love and respect them. Still, in adoption, once the relinquishments are signed (and any time of revocation is passed -- some states have no time of revocation), then there is no "taking the baby back." Perhaps also think about telling yourself that the baby's birthmom will "place her with your family in adoption" rather than "giving her up." The concept is quite different emotionally; it's not just being PC.

The book that I'd recommend is "Dear Birthmother" by Katherine Silber or "Children of Open Adoption." Both will give you a new insight into what adoption can truly include and how a child's birthmother can be part of a child's life in a very healthy way.

Open adoption isn't about co-parenting; far from it. It's about any level of openness that you and the baby's birthfamily work out together. Often, the adoptive and birthfamily will start out planning no visit and little contact, and then as they get to know one another, more openness comes naturally. That's what happened to us -- it amazed us all. We are all very very respectful of one another's privacy and our own lives, but our extended family feelings make the relationships just feel so right -- now. That took time.

I do want to say that each situation is so different, and you and the birthfamily would want to decide WHAT is right (for now) for you. Give it time.

About having babies so close together, they'd be playmates for sure. However, my situation is so different, with my children far apart in age, so it's not something I have experience with personally. Each issue, with children close together and far apart in age, carry their own pluses, for sure.

All the best -- feel free to pm me. susan