[scgirl816]

I'm posting this in this forum...think I might have posted in the wrong forum to begin with. I'd love to hear from adoptive parents, adopted children, or birth mothers. I'm just needing any advice I can get! Thanks!!!



This may be a bit long, but I wanted to give you some background...

My husband and I have talked about adopting children since we were dating...even if we were able to have biological children, we still wanted to adopt. I have one adopted brother, and this was just something close to both of our hearts. We have now been married for almost 4 years and have one biological son who is 8 months old. Our son was born 8 weeks prematurely and spent his first 5 weeks in the NICU. It was the most difficult thing we have ever endured. My OB says that I will need to be on bedrest from around 20 weeks on during any following pregnancies. For these reasons, I'm nervous about being pregnant again...1) emotionally and fearfully, because it was so hard to watch my son go through the problems he had in the NICU and 2) logically, we would need to wait until our son is a bit older because I just can't imagine having a little one while I'm on bedrest that long. We don't live near any family who could help. I say all of that to say...my husband and I have brought up the issue of adoption again since our son was born. Like I said before, we had always planned on adopting, but now that we have had this situation occur, we have been thinking about whether or not we should adopt our next child.

Yesterday, I opened my husband's junk email account...you know, the one that we have for mailing lists, etc? We belong to a church that is affiliated with other churches across the country, and we are on the mailing list of several of the other churches. We had received a group email from a man in one of the churches telling us of a couple in another church whose daughter is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. They would like to see the baby adopted by someone in one of the affiliated churches (for religious reasons) if possible. The email was asking if anyone knew of someone who would consider adopting the baby. We are definitely considering this. My husband called today to find out more details. (More about this to follow)

I guess I have several concerns...

First of all, I would love to hear from someone who has both biological and adopted children. It's one thing to talk about adopting and another to actually do it. I know it sounds awful, but I fear that I won't love an adopted child like I love my biological son. I don't think it has to do with one being adopted...I have the same fear about having another biological child...what if I don't love #2 as much as #1? I know everyone says that your love just multiplies, but I would love some reassurance!

Secondly, am I crazy for considering having two children so close in age? I know other women do it, but can I? My son isn't even sleeping through the night yet! Am I nuts?

Thirdly, one of the things about adoption that has always terrified me is that the biological mother can take the baby back. I just witnessed it firsthand last year when one of my girlfriends from high school put her baby up for adoption, then took the baby back after the adoptive parents already had the baby at home. I can understand how she felt, but being on the other side as the adoptive parent, it terrifies me. That being said, eventually, I'm sure we would run into the biological family. We have annual church conferences, and while we usually don't meet with people from that particular church, I'm sure that at some point in the next 20 years, we would see them.

I am kind of stunned right now! My husband called the contact person this morning, and he gave us the grandparents' phone number. He talked to the grandmother for a minute or two, then she passed the phone to the birth mother! We were not prepared for that! He just talked openly about us and asked her some questions. The birth father has some hereditary health problems, but his other two children don't have it, and his case is mild. She has two other children...1 and 5. Dh said that she sounded really young. She does want an open adoption (not exactly sure what would be involved there or what she expects), but she doesn't want the child to know that she is the birth mother. She said that it would be nice if we were both at a church conference for her to be able to see the child, but she wouldn't want him/her to know who she is. It sounds as if she has made up her mind about giving the baby up for adoption. She said that she isn't going to be "one of those mothers" who waits until the 7th month to decide about things. She wants to decide who the adoptive family will be pretty soon. She wants the adoptive family to have the option of coming for ultrasounds and dr appts.
We gave her our phone number and email address. We got the basic information, but I don't know what other questions to ask. We aren't decided yet...we are still praying about the possibility. I imagine she will be contacting us to find out more information about us. Dh says that if we don't hear from her in a couple of weeks that we may call back to ask more questions.

What things do we need to know? Finding out if the birth father agrees is huge! We need to ask about that. But what else?

Could you talk me through what would happen in a case like this where we may not have the option of a closed adoption? In some ways, I feel that it would be better for the child, but then I wonder if it would end up backfiring if she decides to take the baby back because she's watching him/her grow up! (Can you tell this is a huge fear of mine?!)

Thank you so much for any advice, words of wisdom, or thoughts you can give.