[SchmennaLeigh]

I've been debating my answer for this topic for quite some time. As much as I want to say that there is no secrecy in adoption in this enlightened day of age (slight sarcasm there), we all know that secrets follow adoption.

Thankfully, my birthdaughter will have no secrets from either side. Our adoption is fully open and we work hard to make sure that all sides are on the same page regarding the truth.

However, it is not with my daughter that I see the secrecy. I have no problem telling her how she was conceived (minus 'intimate' detail, of course), why I wasn't able to parent at the time and how my love for her has never waivered. My problem lies in the response of others to my title of Birthmother.

I have found this to be even more of an issue now that I am facing another (planned) pregnancy. People are busy giving me advice as though this is my first pregnancy. So as not to create confusion, I just play along. Granted, I don't have to tell ever Tom, **** and Harry my life story regarding the placement of my child, but it still makes me feel shamed that I can't come out and say, "But this is my second child."

Beyond that, some extended members of my family who haven't been physically present to witness the relationship that the adoptive family and I have forged, feel as though I should "forget" the adoption and just move on. I asked this relative if he could forget any of his children and move on. When he tried to tell me it was 'different,' I asked how. No answer was available.

So, beyond the secrecy that could possibly surround the child, I also see secrecy in the lives of birthparents (and adoptive parents) who don't feel the need to shout the details of the adoption from a mountaintop.

Secrecy and privacy are often intertwined. Finding the balance is a difficulty but an important necessity.