[mdaisyq]

We lost our first child-to-be in a failed Russian adoption 9 years ago. During a temporary restructuring of Russia's adoption laws, our son was adopted by a Russian family who saw him on a visit to his orphanage. This happened two weeks before we were to fly to Russia.

We were devastated, and I can't imagine how much harder our loss would have been felt had we actually been able to hold him. People wondered how we could be so sad for the loss of something which we "never had." But we did have him, in our hopes and dreams for the future.

I felt as if I was surrounded by a gray cloud. I was numb for months and while I could hold it together at work, as long as no one brought up the subject, I just sobbed at night and on weekends.

I couldn't bear to go into his room or even finish opening all of the baby shower gifts we had received for him.

Rightly or wrongly, but at the time it felt right, I threw out every picture and document related to him.

We have since successfully adopted three children internationally, and are applying to adopt our fourth.

What I miss the most and get so angry about, though, is the loss of the unbelievable joy and excitement of receiving a referral for a child. For each of our children's referrals, we always have a twinge of doubt and anxiety and ask ourselves, "Will this one fail, too?"

Grieve and give yourself time to grieve. It is terrific that you have supportive family and friends and a therapist who can help you through a loss that many non-adoptive families find difficult to comprehend.