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sugar baby's mama, I had huge entitlement issues - ALL before my precious daughter's birth. I was, sometimes late at night, paralyzed by the inequality of this life. This was not new for me but was especially intense during this time. I spent hours saddened (and crying) about my incredibe good fortune and wondered often why I had a circle of family and friends who were emotionally healthy, loving and supportive, why I had the financial stability to care for a child and provide them many opportunities, why I, as a white upper middle class woman, had been given every opportunity in my life - health, education, access and incredibly supportive and dedicated parents who would have helped me build a spaceship if I told them my goal was to orbit the earth.
I thought constantly about the women who were considering placement long before any potential match presented itself. I was sometimes immobilized by the sadness that I expected for them to bring to this decision; I was saddened by how hard their lives might have been, if they had had little or no support, if they lacked opportunity or option. I wondered day and night if they would ever feel whole again after placing, if they would smile. I was concerned about my role in the oppression of other women, especially since we were waiting to adopt an AA baby. Women's experiences, hardships and pain and joy is so valuable to me, as a woman and a human.
My dd was born. I looked into her beautiful eyes and studied her perfect face. My sense of entitlement was suddenly there. I was now her mother. The incredible woman who gave her life expected me to be happy, strong and confident. She had confidence that I would give everything that I had, my spirit, my love and my time! She had made the ultimate sacrifice and it was my responsibility to be the best mother, the best parent, that I could possibly be.
Five months ago my son was born; he survived a very traumatic birth, thrived when his neonatologists were unsure about his long term prognosis and despite a heart condition, he is a wonderful, loving, happy healthy babe. I often look at my kids and wonder again why I have been blessed immeasurably. I wonder what I did to deserve the opportunity to guide their spirits and minds. But. . I always feel entitled because I know that another mother, to find peace and to smile again, must know that I am strong and secure and confident that I feel I deserve this title. So do you!
Write a letter, even if it never leaves you. Share your soul to your babe's birthmother; let her know that you enjoy and embrace every moment of your life, that you recognize her pain and sacrifice and that you will forever be the best mother that you can be (add specifics) to honor your babe, her and yourself. This was liberating and strengthening for me. Peace and love.
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