Lisa, when babe came home two years ago we did have party for babe. My only regret of that day is that I didn't feel I had the right to escourt babe around and show babe off, I deferred to other people to do that and concentrated on hostessing. It was a wonderful day all in all.
I realized one day that one of the reasons my MIL was driving me nuts was she felt more entitled to claim babe than I did. She can go the extreme sometimes and overstep, but in general I (intellectually) know that she is no different than any other grandmother. She has all sorts of I love you Grandma books, brags on babe constantly (often making incorrect claims about babe's accomplishments, which bugs the cr*p out of me, as if she knows babe best), she'll show me the "grandma" gifts she been given and I'll note how neither she or anyone else has ever once given me any "mommy" sort of gifts. When sharing about my bracelet with her or others (my effort to give myself a mommy gift) I feel self conscious to the point of not wanting to talk about it. These are all just examples of one of the ways my lack of claiming or entitlement is causing problems.
Mother's Day was never depressing to me really before parenthood, now it's horrible! I don't know how to act, how to feel, I'm self conscious about there being a day to celebrate my motherhood. The day feels wrong, it feels loaded with expectations, of what... I have no clue.
For so long I have looked for and waited for validation from others, including my child's birthmother as a way to define myself as mother. It's futile to wait for validation from others, I know that now (only took a year) so now I must rely on me and that's even scarier. I need to find the mother in me rather than rely on the image others have of me as mother (or as caretaker in the case of my child's birthmother).
Funny you mention dressing alike, it happens now and again. If I feel like blue today we'll likely both be in blue etc. But I don't allow myself other indulgences that I think I should (even though they go against my fundamental modesty) like "I love mommy" t-shirts popular at Valentine's Day etc. Last year I had a potrait taken of babe and me to give to hubby for dad's day, nothing so unusual to most, but to me it felt soooo odd, manufactured.
This all sounds so awful. I love this prescious little person with my whole being.
Spay, I think you are more feirce than you know. But, I do understand the quiet thoughts like that.
Meimaemomma, (I think I spelled that right) thanks for talking about your feelings about your son. I do think there are biological mothers who may feel this way too but in adoption we are given the language to discuss it, and may discuss it more freely because of that.
I had such hope that with our open adoption I would feel more entitled than if we had a semi open adoption. I read stories again and again of adoptive and birthfmailies validating eachother and their importance. But I have seen how hard my child's birthmother has wanted to hold onto her place as mother and I have let that diminish mine so as not to be an affront to her pain. There is nothing I can do about her journey, I can only effect mine. However in becoming more entitled I don't want to hurt her. Then again, I guess she may not even notice a difference since outwordly not much is likely to change, except now I don't take down the intimate pictures of myself with babe when she comes to visit.
Thanks for listening, open to more thoughts or comments if there are any
