How beautiful, Lisa. What lovely ideas and thoughts. The bracelet is a lovely idea as well.
I am still just a p-aparent, but I wanted to share with you that I had a surprisingly similar struggle with bio ds. He was born after a nightmare high risk pregnancy, and we almost lost him several times (including during delivery). Three years later I would look at him and wonder how can this be? Why this miracle for me? But rather than feeling exclusively joy at those thoughts, I was also plagued with his might-have-been loss. I delighted in him everyday but I also still felt those moments of loss or potential loss nearly everyday. Compliments to my babe's beauty would stir up feelings of pride but also sadness and of "but." I worried that they would make it hard for me to be a good parent - either I'd miss the joy or I'd spoil him like mad. I haven't, I don't think. DS is fab if I do say so myself
. But I do think those thoughts, out of their appropriate context, are disruptive.
My husband gave me a ring of ds's birthstone and as with my wedding rings I don't take it off. Soon I'll have one for dd or ds #2 through adoption. I imagine then that I will also think, how can this be? Why a second miracle for me? (I already do). And I will struggle with feelings of entitlement even as I experience overwhelming joy. Our family is being made out of losses - his or hers foremost - but that makes it all the more miraculous.
Another poster once wrote that her daughter asked "Are you my mommy?" and then said "Oh, how sweet" when she answered yes. It is sweet. Mommy is a job and a commitment and a feeling. Anything that you can do to recognize "mommy" in those three terms might help.
PS: I'll be here next year asking you how you did it so I can do it too.