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kk,
You have every right to the grieving. Don't let anyone cheat you of that!
I had several fails, but the most difficult one started one year ago yesterday. I had spent much time on the phone with this birthmom and she wanted me there so the baby could be released to me and not social care. I flew to Chicago on May 5 and she had the baby on May 7 (Mothers Day 2004). The baby was released to me on May 8 and I cared for him for three days in the hotel. Chicago requires 72 hours before the birthmom can sign. I suspicioned she would change her mind even after a couple months of "I'd never have you come all this way to change my mind." I suspicioned because she had named this boy after the birth father making him a Junior. She was poring over the baby announcement papers the hospital provided. Things like that. So although I wasn't completely surprised, I was heartbroken when I had to drive him to the agency and leave empty-handed. The only thing that kept me going was to just get on the phone with the agency and push them to get started again for us. I didn't want to wait like some people desire. I shed a lot of tears that night in my hotel room (I definitely ordered in some comfort food!) and it was a horrible day on the flight home the next day. After all that happened, I knew I couldn't invest my time, money and emotions into another situation until signatures were in place. I did phone the birthmother about a week later to see how she was doing (she had her tubes tied and wasn't healing as quickly as she could have) and to let her know that I didn't hate her for changing her mind. It was obviously the right decision for her and I respected that and only wished them both the best. I have been wondering what he looks like, what they are doing to celebrate his first birthday (tomorrow) and things like that. I'm sure since you had your baby so much longer you will have those thoughts as well and possibly even more deeply.
We went through a few other situations where the birthmom either changed her mind or selected another family and a couple that we had to turn down sadly because of heavy drug usage. It only took us four months to finally receive the call that a baby in Texas was ours for the taking if we could be there the next day. I said yes and thankfully it turned out we got to wait a couple more days as the birthfather hadn't signed. Gave us more time to get our bio daughter installed at grandma's and understanding what was happening, to pack and line up the time off for dh. All I can say is that it was a totally different feeling when they placed our Isaac in our arms. I knew he wasn't going to be snatched away and he was the one God had intended for us.
Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to share our story with you in hopes that you might find some help in it somewhere. Waiting and putting yourself out there for another potential risk of heartbreak is SOOOO hard, but the sooner you can do that, the sooner you WILL receive your child.
Janet
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