Hi there
I am an adult adoptee that was diagnosed with an attachment disorder many years ago. I have been in counselling on and off for many years. I didn't really pay alot of attention to my counsellor when she said I had this disorder, but lately I"ve started to wonder how much it has impacted my life. I did some research on the internet and found that I have many of the classic symptoms as well as several of the causes for it developing.
I found my bfather a few years ago and was extremely happy, as he was the only parent that seems to be in a "healthy" place. As happy as I have been, It's also been a real struggle to develop a relationship with him. At first, I thought that most of my posturing was due to the normal reunion phases, but lately I've started to realize that it goes much deeper than that. In the beginning of our reunion, I did tell my bfather that I do have a problem with attachment issues and that it is sometimes difficult for me to trust people. Over the past 2 years, my bfather has accepted my family and myself into his life and has tried to show me (in his own way) that he cares. We have had many "bumps" in the road, where I have decided that I was going to withdraw from the relationship. At first, I thought this was normal..as I've heard from many other adoptee's "sitting on the fence". After closer examination though, I've realized (and admitted to him) that my problem lies within my past and how I grew up. He believes that I'm trying to live in the past..and says I should be happy that I have a wondeful husband and 2 children. He has a total lack of understanding (as do I really) that it's not about living in the past, but living in the present with what tools I was given. He recently told me that he thought I was being manipulative and controlling and wasn't sure if he wanted to continue with the relationship...so I said..forget it.
So, this has caused me to really reflect on how we got where we did. I know it's my fault and that I need to take responsibility for my actions, but after reading some literature (not very much out there) I've realized that my perceptions run to the very core of who I am. My view on life and people are distorted and negative. It is instinct for me to view people with distrust and fear. Deep down I know this and really wanted my bfather to understand and accept this about me, but he cannot. I recently read an excert from "primal wound" and realized that much of the posturing that I'm doing is fairly similiar to that of an adoptee when they are trying to bond with aparents (which never happend for me..very abusive childhood). There is also the added complexity of extreme abuse from my afather, which I think has seeped into my conscience while in reunion with bfather. There is also the added complexity of the lack of acceptance and betrayal from my bmother.
I am not trying to excuse my behaviour with labelling it, but I would really like to know how I can overcome these obstacles. Is it possible for my father and I to have a relationship when he has no understanding of this and cannot acknowledge it? I would really like to have Dr. Art's input if possible. Are there specific tools that I need that I do not have? Are there tools that my bfather just does not have? Are there any other adoptee's that feel this way in their reunion?
Would love anyone's advice and thoughts on this.
I have posted this in two different areas..adoptee support and also in the attachment area.
tlee