[Emster]

Well, yesterday my cell phone rang from our agency for the first time, but my heart is broken...we are looking to adopt an infant. Its what my dh and I agreed on from the beginning.

The call was regarding a sib group of three young ones, all two years apart--no infants. Beautiful, healthy, as well adjusted as possible. Not removed from their home, just being placed out of necessity. They need stability and parents who will be there.

First reaction--EEK! THREE!!
Second reaction--I can see them all playing with my neices and nephews this summer, going swimming, how to register in school, how to keep contact with their family so far away that they know and love, how to get furniture on short notice, the cost of daycare with three...all the pictures were already entering my head. Hadn't spoken with dh yet, but this was certainly DOABLE somehow.

Went to talk with dh and he had already pretty much made up his mind before we were able to touch base. We can't do it, its not what we wanted, agreed upon. I want to make an impact on an infant. They are too old, it's not for us...etc.

It would not be fair for me to insist on something this huge if both of us are not on board--but saying no to this situation makes me question my Christian values--how could we say no to this? What kind of people are we??

Then through our discussion I learn that dh still believes that we will somehow miraculously conceive on our own at some point (after 11 yrs ofmarriage, enough infert. tx that we know we didn't want to proceed with more, and me feeling as if there was a closure on that idea). Maybe we will, but facts are, I'm not getting younger, and if history is any indication of the future--it just ain't happenin'--lets get real! Apparently things aren't as settled for him as I thought...

So today I am sad for so many reasons. Thanks for listening. I'm hoping our next phone call from the agency brings better news.