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Hi History. Wouldn't it be a neat and orderly world if there was always a clear best path to solutions for problems. There would be so much less angst and pain and unhappiness. Perhaps if people were more instinctual and less emotional... more existential and less multi-dimensional... more organic and less spiritual... but it's just not going to happen.
I have given much thought to your premise that birthparents should bear the responsibility to initiate the search/reunion process. As you say, they did create the whole adoption situation in the first place, and they are the ones with the answers most adoptees seek. I would even go so far as to say that they should be responsible because they ARE the parents. The child should not have to ask the parents to act parentally (if that is even a word). But then I come to the paradox: many birthparents feel they are being responsible adults by not intruding in a life and a family they have not been a part of, ever! I'm not talking about those who would be martyrs, but of those who make reasoned, rational choices to continue to abide by decisions made decades ago. Is that a wrong position? I would have a hard time disputing it.
Adoptees certainly start with questions and wonder why answers aren't more easily forthcoming. That is only natural and fair! Since adoptees start young and slowly mature, their perspectives slowly change from helplessness, through some degree of resentment or anger, to some degree of acceptance (or resignation). But their questions still need answers! Should they just wait indefinitely, or does a time come when they should take more control?
I used to think that the degree of need (for answers, for fulfillment, for completeness) would determine who could rightfully initiate the search/reunion process. Need- and sometimes neediness- still drives many adoptees and birthparents alike. But I now believe that what SHOULD drive initiation of the process is empowerment. The person who feels empowered will take responsibility rather than assign it. The person who feels empowered will act rather than wait to react. The person who feels empowered is best positioned to have a positive effect on the outcome of the search/reunion process.
Well, History, this has been a long reply to your very concise request. I apologize. Sometimes I like to get all my thoughts on a topic into print. Brevity has never been my forte. And all I wanted to say was don't wait for someone else to bring you peace of mind. Go after it yourself.
Rich
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