id like to comment on a few things that i read...
lorraine.....that sounded like a typical conversation in my house too.....
except i get a few curse words in the mix...lol.
whoownsthis,
not sure what you mean 'snap the kids back into reality'......our reality, or theirs?...their reailty of the world is a very unsafe place. People are not to be trusted.
my reality is just the opposite. i can trust people, and i do believe that the world mostly is a safe place.
so again, whos reality are we snapping these kids back into?
ok, let me see if i can explain this better....this is how some of these kids feel...
heres an exercise that you might consider doing to help you understand how these kids feel ALL THE TIME..
dont think you will take me up on the challenge, but ill put it down anyway
tonight, at about 1am in the morning...drive alone in a bad section of town...get our of your car....then start walking around...when you come across a dark alley way, start walking in it...
keep walking.....deeper and deeper into it...
start noticing your body...your body will tighten up, its automatic...your eyes and ears open...you see things that move that actually didnt...you hear things because your ears are so sensitve to sound at this point...even a rustle of a leaf sounds so intence that you might even react to it..
your heart starts racing...your blood pressure will probably rise, and you will probaby get some sort of anxiety as you slowly walk through the dark alley way....
What if before you took the trip tonight and i told you that there is nothing to worry about, you will feel safe....when you hit that alley way, i can bet that your body will still tighten up....and go on automatic...fight or flight mode.
these kids are constantly walking in the dark alley. they never see the light, and we can tell them time and time again that they shouldnt be scared, and the dark alley cant hurt them.....but their bodies are on automatic, jsut as yours was, when you walked down the dark alley....
thats how they feel, all the time. And any little movement, words, they will react too...
just as you did when the leaf blown by you...
your head turned so fast and your heart raced....all over a little leaf blowing in the wind.....but you reacted because your sences were so heightened.
when you realized it was just a leaf, you breathed and actually might of chuckled for a second....but never did you let your guard down as you continued down the dark alley.
now, after i just told you that there is nothing to be scared of...it would take alot of convincing on my part for you to totally believe me.
we are adults, who can reason and think abstractly, we knew that leaf couldnt hurt us...but these are kids and they are very black and white.
my point is, that our kids feel like they are walking down dark alley ways...danger might be at every turn, and their sences are so heightened.
"So for anyone to accuse foster parents of "dumping" kids to go on vacation, you just don't understand what it is to parent a hurt child day in and day out. Multiply that by 3, and you'll understand why the family needs the break! "
as for the foster parents, i never said they were dumping them. All i said was what message the kids were getting because the foster family hadnt called.
belive me, i have no problems with families taking respite away from their kids...these kids are tough....but the children do see and hear everything and know that the foster parents did not call...even if they have a good reason...what was the message the kids got? that was my point.
quote
"walk a mile in her shoes!"
i have and i still am....people have no idea what its like to parent kids with these emotional problems then other parents who have....my suggestions and advice are coming from helping my children heal and what i have learned over the years.
and yes, it will be different from what other parents might write, but my suggestions are what have been helping my children. Its one of those things...take what you like and leave the rest....
so please dont assume that i have no idea what im talking about. I do have a linking on what is going on with the three children in your home...i have two of them.
"Her response was throwing the cards all over the room and screaming "I hate you" and stomping up to her bedroom.)"
if all my son did was stomp his feet, throw the cards and went to his bedroom...i would say "look at the progress....."...
my older son would rip the cards, attack us and his brother, go in his room and throw everything around screaming at the top of his lungs and try to break the window (which is now pexiglass)....
or, he would take a plastic bag and put it over his head and try to sufficate himself because as he says "i just want to be dead..."
i do have an idea on what parents go through.
kamasm,
i agree, i will not use their past abuse as an excuse for behaviors. They need to learn how to act appropriatly. but in the same token, i have to understand why they behave the way they do and work for the outcome that i am looking for, and thats what takes alot of hard work.
as im sure you know.
i guess my big issue is that with what ever method i use, they are watching intensely to see if i can keep them safe.
none of the kids really want to behave poorly. but they dont have any other tools to work with yet. So as parents, we have to teach them. remember, they are constantly feeling like they are walking down dark alleyways....so there reactions are understandable
yes, the goal is where they dont tantrum anymore...and i can honestly say today, that i am now the father for my younger son, where time outs, tantrums, just dont exist anymore....
"To everyone else, before you start accusing a parent of abuse"
i dont remember reading that anyone is accusing anyone of abuse.
The issue i have with the water, is what is that teaching them? and thats what we have to keep in the back of our minds when we discipline our children.
when a child is out of control, and i know its diffulcult, sometimes they just need to be loosely held if its about safty. but enough pressure where they are not flaring their arms and trying to hit you. Some kids need to be contained in order to feel safe.
There are a million ways to parent kids...but i think with all kids, we have to remember what ever it is we are doing, is that our kids will repeat because it is considered acceptable.
so if throwing water on a angry child, then it tells the child that its ok to throw water on other kids who might be yelling.....
my kids learned from their bmom, that its okay to hit, scream, say nasty things to us, bite us, scratch us,...becuase their birthfamily did it to them, and who are we to tell them that its not ok.....thats what they grew up with.....and my job is to teach them thats its not ok to hit.
we all do it, we teach them that everyday.....
so i guess thats my issue with the water....its not that its abusive, but its teaching them its okay to throw water on someone who might be angry....
and if they did it...there is really nothing we can say to them, because if we do it to them, then its teaching them that it is acceptable behavior...and isnt that what were all trying to do.
I tell my kids not to use bad words....we dont. i tell my kids not to hit, we dont.
what ever i teach my kids, i have to be doing it too, otherwise, they will be getting mixed messages.
thats the issue i have with the water....it could backfire, because you cant really expect them not to throw water on someones head, when their parents do it.
hopefully im making sence. not sure if it does
whoownsthis quote:
"Parent: "Hey kids, that looks like a fun card game, what is it?"
Oldest girl: (evil look at me, then back to game)
Parent: (still happy, friendly voice, trying to engage the kids) "Oh, is it Slap Jack?"
Oldest girl: (incredulous) "No! G-d you're stupid! Don't you know any card games? Jeez, I can't believe they let you teach college!"
Parent: (firm, calm voice) "A, there is no need for that kind of rude response. Remember the one rule we follow in this house? To respect others in your words and actions. I think you need to sit in your quiet spot (the couch in another room) and think about that for a while."
just want to point out...you did a great job whoownsthis.....
if you keep doing this constantly, the kids might actually 'get it'......
i dont doubt that we are all trying our best for our kids...i know first hand how tough this can get.
I wish there are times when i can take things back that i have said to my sons......they put us in such a place that we never thought we would be.
whoownthis....
respite and adoption are very different. adoption is when you will have the kids for a while, you get to know what triggers them, you get to know when they are just about to blow (sometimes).....you and your kids become one....
it is very different. i cant imagine doing respite for a few days with no real connection to the kids and having to deal with their issues.
i think it was very nice of you to take them in for these foster parents that needed time away..so i give you credit for that. I know you did it more then once...
i wonder if you would of thought differently about these kids if they were placed in your home with you as pre-adoptive...
i would like to point out, that i think with some parents of these kids, there are moments that we just 'dont like them'....they are hard kids to like....even though intelectually, we can say "we love the child, just dont like the behavior"'......
when some of us are going through it, yes, sometimes its hard to seperate the child and the behaviors...
i do understand....and none of my posts were about judging anyone else...hope people realize that.
i think its fine to disagree with someone and sometimes thats what helps people think of other ideas...