Whew, I'm so glad my post got a few responses! I was "venting" this morning, and thankfully the day is nearly over and I've had my husband here all day to help. I don't know how I'll manage this week while he's at work during the day and at school during the night.
An update...More defiance throughout the day, and while I was upstairs on the phone with foster dad (after he had called to talk to the kids this evening--the family took a 2.5-day drive to their vacation destination which is just a relative/friend's house!), so the first couple of days without a phone call were understandable), the older two got into it. My husband was in the other room and heard the oldest scream, "I HATE you!!!!" Then apparently the boy threw a little plastic horse (from the Lincoln Log set) he was playing with at her and hit her in the face, so she began shrieking (fake crying, screaming, etc.). This all transpired in seconds, so my husband just caught the tail end. He sent the 9-yr-old boy up to his room and went up to talk to him (about how sometimes the older sister says mean things and picks on him, but that he should NEVER throw anything at her and that he needs to just walk away. Of course by this point the boy was crying--apparently this happens alot. One of them starts it, but the other gets in trouble, or both.) I should mention that the boy begs the girls to let him play with him, and they are very mean to him! Even his younger sister does it to him.
Then my husband went back downstairs to talk to the oldest girl (11) about saying hurtful things to her sibs, and that she can feel angry and frustrated and sad, but that her siblings will always be there for her (basically that they are all she has, but he didn't say it that bluntly), and that they need to be each other's support...That he understands that things are rough right now (waiting for a TPR ruling that's 7 years overdue!), and they're getting on each other's nerves, but that they need to support each other right now instead.
Well, then BAM! Everything came pouring out! Now I know they all do that "crazy lying" thing, so I'm not sure how much was true, but it sounds like she's feeling very unloved and hopeless right now. (This would explain the stealing for the last few months.)
But she said some pretty awful things about the foster parents, that we should report, but that I know may not even be true. (Said foster dad had hit her, knocking her to the floor and then lied about it to his own wife who walked in the room and saw her on the floor. She said he told his wife that she had tripped and fallen. This I don't believe because we're both from the same agency and spanking is NOT allowed! You can lose your license for it! Plus, why on earth would the guy lie to his own wife?!) I know what triangulation is, and this could be it (getting us on her side against her foster parents who are the main discipliners), but at the same time, they seemed to be genuine tears and it's obvious she feels horrible about the situation they're in, and very hopeless.
I walked in on the last part: "I don't have any friends, nobody likes me. I wish it could all end. I wish I could just die...or run away."
She said she feels hopeless because if they go back to biomom it will be terrible, and if they are adopted, the adoptive family won't want to keep them "because of how we are." She added that the foster parents had recently received a letter from another family at church telling them they were praying for them (for foster parents) and that the foster dad told the kids, "It's probably because of you three kids that they feel they have to pray for us!" (implying that the 3 kids were so awful that everybody felt sorry for the foster parents). Now that one I definitely don't believe. We've spent time with this foster family and honestly I can't see them saying something so hurtful, even when they were at the end of their rope!...I wonder if she's just verbalizing (putting words into foster dad's mouth) what she FEELS...that she is hurting her foster family and making them angry, that she feels worthless, but making it sound as if it's the foster dad who's making her feel that way. I just learned that once these 3 are returned to biomom or adopted, the foster family is giving up foster care. It has been a rough 3 years for them with these 3 children! So for anyone to accuse foster parents of "dumping" kids to go on vacation, you just don't understand what it is to parent a hurt child day in and day out. Multiply that by 3, and you'll understand why the family needs the break!
This is all alot to take in, but in talking quietly with my husband tonight after kids were in bed, he really thinks these kids have a long, long road ahead of them, and the oldest girl is going to have the toughest time healing. (But why on earth hasn't the foster family gotten them the therapy they need?! This is where I fault our agency for just chalking this up to "normal (foster kid) sibling relationships" and thinking they'll be OK with time, structure, and consistency. The kids are getting worse, not better. There doesn't seem to be any sort of bond with the foster family (although the youngest was eager to talk to "Daddy" on the phone tonight).
Ugh! I ache for these kids. I can't understand how they could be dragged through this for the past 7 years, and then have a judge that is taking 3 months to make a ruling on TPR! Why do we do this to the most vulnerable, needy kids?!
P.S. If you've followed any of my posts, you'll recognize these three kids from the Special Needs/Attachment board a few months ago when we first had them for respite and saw the full gamut of attachment disorder symptoms: crazy lying (lying in the face of the obvious), stealing, meltdowns at the dinner table, screaming, manipulating (saying "I love you!" right after being caught in some misbehavior) and superficial affection (telling me they wanted to call me mom as I was driving them home for the first time--I had just met them!) Although they can accept affection even when they are angry, so that's a good sign.
Thanks, everyone, for listening. Even when the posts get heated, we're all learning something.
