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Hi ChickPea, I think it is essential that these familial issues be examined closely and discussed long before a child arrives, and I commend you for doing so. I can only echo what Jensboys, Linny and Bethany have said. If you proceed, you must be ready and willing, to sever all ties with those who could potentially damage your child's confidence and spirit, including your mother. Words are powerful, as are the subtle expressions of feelings and views. Everytime I read on these boards that someone has chosen to adopt transracially and they hope that their racist family member will accept and love their child upon arrival, I cringe. It is naive and unfair to the child. If "the offender" has not already found the impetus to get with the program and judge others based on their character, it is unlikely to happen now. If one is truly worried about this issue and another's response then there is probably good reason, and the reaction may not be an affirmative one, ever. Further, it makes me even more fearful when a discussion arises about the acceptance of the child without a change in views and expressions; that tells me that the "offender" has separated that child from his race and believes that "he" is okay, but as a whole "they" are not. This is particularly disturbing, as it will ultimately affect a child's sense of self, strength and pride.
I think you have to search your heart and determine your own strength. When and if you decide to proceed, I think you must confront your mother and tell her how things will be, what you expect and that you will tolerate nothing less. You can only give her the benefit of the doubt and fully expect that she will love your child; if she doesn't, you will have to be prepared.
Wishing you peace.
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