quote:
"Could all of these people be glossing over the truth? Is it possible for a foster child to be "sweet" and "well-behaved"? Don't they all have serious oppositional/defiance/aggression issues?! Or is it just the few sibling groups we've had in our home that fit that description?"
--Seriously beginning to question our ability to effectively parent foster kids without losing our sanity in the meantime!
I hear you!!!!!!!!!!...first, the behaviors you described actually sounds like alot of kids. Just like to point that out first.
i dont think anyone is glossing over the truth. What might be an 'easy' kid in the foster care system, might be considered a very 'hard' child from a 'normal' birth family....
"Don't they all have serious oppositional/defiance/aggression issues?! "
no they dont, but alot of these kids are real angry....who could blame them...
not sure how i would react if i lost my parents and everything that i have known, my house, my neighborhood, my friends, my pets, my blankey, my bed....lost, all in one day.....
then to be dropped off at some strangers house and told that these would be my new parents (most kids dont really get what 'foster' means .....
not sure how any of us could deal with that.
"Or is it just the few sibling groups we've had in our home that fit that description?""
nah...i would bet any older child would fit the description you gave..(older, i mean non infant) ..
and the ones that didnt have any issues, id be worried about them even more. A child to be totally complient, i would bet would have some major diffulculities later on for not dealing with what just happened to them.
remember, kids behavior is their language. they have not learned to use words to describe how they feel yet, so they use their behaviors to tell you how they are feeling.
as for the kids you just had. again, not sure how i would feel to be in my home and then shipped to other people while my (foster) parents went on vacation....
id be pretty pissed over that too.
"Seriously beginning to question our ability to effectively parent foster kids without losing our sanity in the meantime!"
yes, you will lose your sanity....we all do....but the love we feel for our children does sustain us. I dont think any child in the foster care system, or any child for that matter, is 'easy'.
but kids in the foster care system do have issues. some have less, but they all do.
kids need a sence of permanance in their lives to trust and grow. If a child does not have a 'permanant' home, they get stuck to some degree.
does it get easier?...yes it does. but before that happens, you WILL go insane!!!!!!!!...
just for the record...i dont agree with throwing cold water on a tantruming child. they are tantruming due to the anger and loss of their family. There are other creative ways to stop a child from screaming who has been abused and neglected.
throwing water on a child, and the child does stop screaming, it doesnt mean the child actually got it.
being creative is trying to figure out ways to help the child not even tantrum.
One thing i have learned, i cannot raise my boys the way my parents raised me. These kids suffer from such low self estemm already, and its our job to really come up with different ways to 'punish' them.
There are many things that i have done to help my children comply without them even thinking they were 'bad'.
for instance....my younger boy, who does have control issues, takes his time getting dressed in the morning...on purpose. (this makes me crazy..
)
now, i can say 100 times to hurry up were going to be late...but that will jsut slow him down even more. I can put him in 'time out' because he is pushing my buttons and trying to control....and guess what....tantrum, here we come...and guess whos late anyway?
what i have done, is have him race the clock to get dressed....you want to see a kid get dressed real fast.
so its a win win...no tantrums, he is having fun, and were never late. What does that teach him?..absoutly nothing...but tantrums never teaches him anything either....at least now i am giving him some self estemm points because he beat the clock....
i think for me, is trying to find out ways to avoid tantrums and start using words to label his feeilngs since he cant yet....
hope im making sence