[whoownsthis]

Yikes! We've got three sibs staying with us for respite care (11 days) while their family gets a much-needed break from them and a trip to visit family out of state for Spring Break.

Anyway, the foster parents told us, "Good luck!" as they left, and now we can see why. And these are kids our (private) agency tried to talk us into adopting if they become available because they have "fewer issues" than most foster kids. But here's a typical day so far:

1. Kids wake up by 6:30 a.m. and are running around, even though we told them not to get up until their clock shows 7:30. (The oldest, 11, even gets up because she's afraid she'll miss something, but she's been known to sleep until 10 or later at her foster home!)

2. Once up, if it's just the younger 2 (9 and 6 years old), they're OK, just a few snotty remarks, but no fights. But once the oldest gets up, she's quite the snot! So from the time she gets up until she goes to bed, she's a total brat!

EX: I tried playing the "Life" game this morning with the oldest two (11 and 9), and she managed to try to cheat at every turn. She'd also conveniently "remember" that she hadn't been paid on her last turn when she passed over a "Payday" square, so she'd demand that her little brother (the "banker") pay her. Well, I said "You snooze, you lose!" and after her 3rd try, she said, "Fine! I quit!" and threw her cards and stomped off. Pretty senseless considering that she was already winning. Obviously a control thing.

3. Lunch battles---who sits where, what they will/won't eat, who said what, who gave a dirty look, on and on and on.

4. Then after lunch, there's the inevitable arguing over what game to play and who will be included. Today (before lunch and after the 11-yr-old stomped off from the game), she went outside to swing on the swingset. The youngest (6) joined her, and it wasn't long before they had to be chastised for trying to climb trees, climb over the fence, standing up on the top of the swingset, etc. (Part of me wishes the oldest would just fall and hurt herself so she'll understand why she shouldn't do these things (natural consequences), but I also know we'd be investigated for neglect if we let that happen.)...Anyway, by this time I was in the shower and my husband turned away from the window for just a moment, and suddenly her heard the youngest screaming and fake crying. Up she ran to the door to tattle on her older sister for hitting her in the back of the head with the other swing. "Hmm," he said. And he checked her for bumps, bruises, blood. He asked her if it hurt? She said, "Yes," but he pointed out that it couldn't have hurt that bad if she had shed no tears, so she gave up and came inside to play. (Good choice!) Meanwhile the bratty older sister gave my husband an evil look and came in, too (he didn't tell her to), threw her shoes down and slammed the closet door. Then she huffed and puffed and plopped down on the living room couch in front of the cartoons that we were finally letting the kids watch (keeping her coat on and that bratty pout the whole time). UGH!!!!

5. Dinner: Last night we went out to Fazolis and the cashier made the mistake of giving the boy a different toy from his two sisters. Well he decided he didn't want his, but the older sister (11) had already opened hers, and decided she wanted to trade with him. Too late! My husband had already taken it back to the counter to trade it so they'd all have the same toy, and he wouldn't let her trade. So she pouted, and gave him the evil look again (he was sitting across from her). She crossed her arms and announced that she wasn't going to eat anything! (OK, is it just me, or is this behavior typical of a much younger child?!) Eventually she forgot about her sour mood and ate, and ate, and (breadstick after breadstick).

6. Bedtime: UGHHHHHHHH. The 6-yr-old has earned herself an earlier bedtime each night because she screams and wails and stomps her feet and kicks the wall and screams some more (last night went on for nearly 2 hours!). Each night we tell her that if we hear or see her after she's put to bed, it's a half hour earlier the next night. The good news is that she was a little quiter with all of this noise, but it did last longer than it had the night before. (Please don't tell me she's scared, folks. It was still daylight out, and she does not pull this stunt at her foster home!)

And in the meantime, the foster family hasn't called the kids! They've been here for 4 days. My husband thinks they're trying to "baptize us by fire," because a few months ago (after having had them for weekend respites three times already), we had written a letter of intent to adopt them IF they become available. (Their TPR hearing was a few months ago and still no ruling.)

But man, oh man! There is no way we're going to adopt these kids. NO WAY! I know a lot of what I've described seems like normal sibling rivalry, but it's constant! If we step out of the room, within 30 seconds they'll be fighting. We've raised three sons, and they were nowhere near this hostile to each other or snotty to us, their parents. Sure, they had their moments, but nothing like this.

And now my husband is saying, "I think we should give up on the idea of children. If these three have 'fewer issues' than most foster kids, then it can only get worse." And that terrifies me, because we have already been matched with three younger girls from out of state who have been described by their foster mom, adoption worker, and therapist as "good, sweet, well-behaved." Yeah, now I'm starting to wonder. Could all of these people be glossing over the truth? Is it possible for a foster child to be "sweet" and "well-behaved"? Don't they all have serious oppositional/defiance/aggression issues?! Or is it just the few sibling groups we've had in our home that fit that description?

--Seriously beginning to question our ability to effectively parent foster kids without losing our sanity in the meantime!