[BrandyHagz]

Nine years ago, I placed my daughter for adoption.

Last night, my families true colors shown.

I had been reluctant to say anything to them about our decision to adopt and our infertility issues because of their lack of support…last night I let my guard down with my dad, and boy do I regret it!

He called on Easter to wish us a happy Easter (even tho we don't celebrate) and talk to Jerrett. After talking to Jerrett he asked me if I would allow them to use their Airline Miles to fly Jerrett down to Texas for a week for a visit. Naturally I had reservations about that, and explained to him that John and I would need to talk about it.

We decided that provided that he understood he had to follow some strict instructions, we’d allow it, so I called him to tell him.

I went over everything with him and he agreed, and then said, “Maybe you and John could go on vacation or something just the two of you.” I knew his heart was in the right place, he’s really tried hard since Thanksgiving to put a little more effort into our relationship…so I let my guard down and explained to him that we’d elected to forego any vacations or extra’s in order to have the money for either infertility treatments/childbirth or adoption. That’s when the poop hit the fan!

He said, “Childbirth? Adoption? Why are you doing that? You already gave one kid away, why do you think anyone is going to let you have another?”

Arf!

Now, I’ve really tried to keep in perspective that although my dad is an adoptive dad, he is very uneducated on the feelings of adoptees and birthmothers…not only that, he is about as disconnected from the whole adoption scene as I have ever seen a triad member…

I said to him, “Do you really think that someone who places a child for adoption should not be allowed to have more kids at a later time?”

He said, “Well, no, I don’t”

Floored, I said, “You know, there are many birthmothers who place because they are very young (not me, but he knew that) and they place because they are young…so you think that once these birthmothers get older and marry, they shouldn’t be allowed the opportunity to become a parent?”

He said, “Ya, that’s right, there is something wrong with a system that allows anyone who places a child for adoption the ability to get pregnant again!”

Still floored, I said, “What about adoption, I guess you are against that as well?”

He said, “No, I guess if someone wants to give their kid to someone who already tossed one aside, then that’d be ok.”

At this point, I’m trying VERY hard not to hang up…I know that his opinions are based on ignorance…but it doesn’t make it any less painful.

He did go on to say that he thought Jerrett would be served best as an only child and that I should be happy with the one I have. I explained that we were happy with Jerrett and love him to pieces…but that we would like more children. He refused to listen…

Now, going into this, I had ZERO preconceived notions about how my “family” would react to all of this. I had, in passing, mentioned adoption to other family members (my mother, namely) and she explained that I should be really weary of bringing “someone else’s kid” into my home, because they destroy lives…(she told his to her adopted daughter…) What I didn’t expect was the seething hurtful words said by an adoptive father to his adopted daughter who also happens to be a birthmother. I mean, I guess I kinda always knew they viewed adoption as second best (obviously) but I never knew they had such vile opinions about it…

I guess at this point, my father feels I should not be able to conceive a child, which has been the case already anyway, and that I should have been sterilized after placing M nine years ago (Yes, he said that, I’m not freakin kidding)…although if “some woman” wants to “give her baby to someone who already gave one of her babies away” that’d be ok…

How do I talk to him…I didn't get mad last night…I was to dumbfounded to get mad…but I do think there is hope…how can I make him understand that his words hurt me.

Almost two years ago, there was a big family feud over some words that were said about me to my son…my dad, while agreeing with me over the phone and explaining that he understand, would turn around and contradict himself to others…it was hurtful, so I sent him a very long letter explaining that it hurt…and we didn’t talk for 18 months afterwards, because I guess I cant have a voice.

I’m not ready to “wash my hands” of the relationship…but given the dynamics of it all, I worry that voicing my discontent will result in the loss of an already strained relationship.

Any advice? I’d love to hear it!