Last week I called a psychologist who belongs to ATTACh and is on Nancy Thomas' website as well. He got us in the very next day! The good news is that he doesn't think Zac is full-blown RAD and he sees a lot of hope for us. We go back on March 8th. We got Nancy Thomas' book from him and have started to follow the guidelines in the book. It's amazing how well it's worked so far! We make him ask for everything, insist on good manners, and just recently, we've been making him walk with us instead of in front of us (except for on stairs). I've also started to tell him when we've heard enough when he makes noises or babbles on and on. He'll loudly imitate Pikachu or a train over and over and over...trying to hold the family's attention captive. It's hard to hold a conversation with anyone else when he does this. He doesn't like to be shushed but Mom's the queen and he must obey the queen! hehe (We're also working on him interrupting.)
Today in the van, out of nowhere, he says, "I lub you." I said, "I love you, too" and then he said, "I lub you, Mommy" and I said, "I love you, too, Zaccy". Then he said, "I lub you, Daddy" (Dad wasn't there) so I said, "I love Daddy, too. And I love.... " I listed his siblings and then he said, "No I lub you." Hmm. He's been getting more clingy...maybe he wants me all to himself.
I sent him a blankie while he was in Taiwan and the foster family kept it. I need to get him a new one. He doesn't really nap, though. I try to snuggle with him, though. (that lasts about 30 seconds)
When we first got Zac, he would laugh whenever someone got hurt. That worried me. Over the past few weeks, we've been modeling empathy and sympathy, and it seems to be helping. ie -Yesterday, he accidentally hit my hand and immediately he said, "Sorry, Mommy!" rather than laughing. It's a start!
The more I read about attachment disorders, the more I can understand why he didn't attach at the foster home. Thanks, Linny!
Marci
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Originally Posted by Linny
This is one area that our family has had some pretty good exposure to. Our first older child adoption (US) (was six years old when he came to us).....has severe reactive attachment disorder...so badly so, that even after four years of therapies (attachment) and such, he continued to refuse to change. He now lives in a residential home and will continue to do so due to dangerous behaviors to himself and others. No conscience, no empathy, nothing.
Our other two 'older child adoptions'.....were 'just turned three years old and six years old' when they came. Despite the fact that the six year old went through H*** and back, it is the 3yr old----now 10yrs old---that continues to have problems.
We did attachment parenting with him....but probably not enough. We thought that surely, being in one foster home with his brother.....would keep him from having problems like this. Instead, we probably should have done more of what we did. He isn't RAD (reactive attachment disorderd).....but does continue to have some attachment problems. Enough that he sends ME over the edge, not to mention the rest of the family, at times.
You are doing well to hold him. Do it more. Let him go all the way back to having a bottle if he'd like. Let him have a blankie to nap with...and if you are able to take a nap with him.....DO IT! That laying down with them and taking a nap with them does wonders....provided you're having him cuddle up with you to sleep.
Try getting him to look you in the eyes as much as possible---just in every day conversation. Reward him for this in some way....preferably hugging him, verbally praising him, etc.
For some good pointers.........go to the Attachment disordered support group site (ADSG....just type in those letters) . It is LOADED with ideas and possible therapies.
And....if you are lucky enough to have this, consider putting him (with you) in with an attachment therapist. Certainly, this kind of therapy can't hurt him in any way. And, if there are some deficits in attachment, they'll help him bond with you faster! It has helped wonders for us with all of our older child aodptions (even the one in residential...as much as it could).
As far as 'how could any kid be in foster care and have attachment problems'? There are a ton of bad foster homes...for a lot of reasons. There are always going to be people who do it for money or extra perks. In regards to my boys.....(the two still at home).......the fp were a pitiful example of good parenting or caring, for that matter. 
Best of luck. It sounds like you are starting out on a good foot to helping him bond.
Sincerely,
Linny |