[shycar]

Today it hit me. I have a fs, who has been with us since he was 2 months old, he will be one soon. I have enjoyed every minute. I got to see his 1st roll over, his 1st time eating solids, 1st time he sat by himself, the 1st time he crawled, his 1st tooth, the 1st time he called me momma, 1st time he stood up and his 1st steps. It was amazing. He is my youngest placement--and Im sooo happy to see his first. Every morning when I open his door to his room I great him with a smile and big HI! Today when I opened the door and said Hi he gave me a huge smile and said HI! I froze and then jumped up and down and said Yeah u said hi. I picked him up and told my husband. We were soooo proud. Then it hit. OMG he will be going home in a month or two and it tore my heart. This was different from other foster couse they were shooting for adoption and I was starting to see him as my son and on Thur they told me that they changed their mind and will be sending home with his father asap. My heart just broke, but like a good f-mom I put a smile on my face and said "Oh how wonderful". Im soo confused, Im happy that he will be raised by his father, but yet I have doubts. I wish him a safe happy life with lots of love, he will always have our love. Im soo disappointed with the cw. Why did they give me hope. But then I remeber any child that comes to my home is a 50/50 chance. I am blessed with my 2 yr foster son, who hopefully will be adopted by november and I know there is another child out there that will be mine. In the meantime I will enjoy all the children in my home and have wonderful memories of all my children. This little guy have given me wonderful memories that I will never forget. If one would ask me if I would do it again knowing how much my heart aches at this moment Id say yes its worth it.

Sorry so long, but I know you all have been through this and even though we have sooo many heart breaks, it is the hope that we have for these children, wether its going back home or to a new home, that keeps us going. This is not my first heartbreak and i know it wont be my last, but to see in my mind every smile and have soo many wonderful memories is a true blessing. I want to say to all f-parents to keep up the wonderful work you all do. Never let your hope and dreams die. Bless all of you for the hard work knowing that you all do it with your hearts.