[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi, I'm a birthmom. My only initial communication to my birthson and his parents, 20 years ago, was to write a letter explaining my circumstances, my reasons for my choices, and my joy at his birth, how much I loved him.

My circumstances were totally different. They did not involve sexual assualt. My situation was having no support from the birthfather or my family to parent my birthson. So I am not speaking from exact experience here.

I absolutely agree that the letter should be changed, but only to omit the parts that are hurtful and inappropriate for her to read. My birthson, at age 20, does not know or desire to know every detail. Some of the experience is mine and mine alone. That being said, I can tell you that 20 years ago I would voice my story to anyone who would listen, just to be heard. Also, the letter I wrote was not easy, and was narcissistic in that it was my point of view, and I am the one who had to sign the adoption papers. Looking at that same letter 20 years later, there are things that I wished that I had left out, that I now feel he didn't need to know. But the letter was for him and his parents, and I was only 19 at the time. He didn't read the letter until he was almost 20 years old. And he's always had his mom and dad's support.

I'm rambling, not unusual. I guess my main thought is to see if the birthmother will agree to omit those parts of the letter you feel are too graphic. However, out of respect to her and her feelings, I would ask her to leave the rest of the letter just as it is, realizing it was not an easy letter to write. In doing that, you value her story, she will know that, and appreciate you for it. If you can write a letter to her, through the agency (?) asking her to do only that, and letting her know that you know it must have been so difficult to share her experience, and that you value the letter very much but just need the graphic parts omitted for the emotional health of the baby, I think she'd understand, and feel positive about your approach. I hope this is okay, I don't want to make assumptions or offend anyone, but being in that place of writing a letter, the only letter, I know how I would feel if I was asked to do the whole thing over.