[katie_bear1983]

Hi-

Just wanted to chime in - it took me long enough - darn it!

I am a birthmother and placed Liam with his adoptive family in May 2004. After 15 hours of intense labor I remember thinking that I never wanted to go through this process ever again - but after seeing him I knew that he was worth it.

I had potential cord prolapse which caused me to labor flat on my back. He and I ended up having incompatable blood types meaning that our bloods mixed through the umbilical during delivery causing many problems. Liam had Bilirubin rate of 4 and a normal rate for an infant is 1. We had still not "firmly" chosen a family. They ended up flying Liam to a larger hospital the day he was born and I remained in the hospital where I had given birth.

I have always said this and will continue to say it - Liam has stolen my heart and I am so thankful that I chose to carry him - to give him the opportunity of life.

Now to TTC. My DH - who is also Liam's birthfather - and I got married in October 2004. My biggest fear - no matter how irrational - was that after placing my Liam for adoption that God would somehow punish me and not allow me to have children in the future. My other fears range from big to small. How will Liam feel knowing that his birthparents got married just four months after placing him? Will my subsequent pregancies be has hard on my body? What if our blood types are once again incompatable? Can I be a good mom? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Then - there are the comments my DH and I get from others. Don't you wish you would have gotten married six months sooner and kept him? Did you two get pregnant to fill the void from placing Liam? Is it too late to bring Liam home? Sighs - what do you do with people that say such things?

DH and I are 13 weeks pregnant! We did not get pregnant our first month of TTC but we did in our second month of TTC. We have been learning not to allow other people's actions and comments sear to the core of our beings - oh and that is hard. People have no clue that pain and heartache that comes from placing a child and I hate it when they tell me that they do. I feel like telling them - when you have placed a baby - then come back and talk to me. And the idea that an open adoption should make everything "fine" is ludicrous. Even with an open adoption - those hard days and moments are still there - and I believe that they always will be. How could there not be? There is someone out there that is walking around and that has my eyes - has my giggle - has my stubborness. There is someone out ther who is always and forever a part of me.

This pregnancy is different than my first pregnancy in many ways. There is just something different about an unplanned pregnancy and a planned pregnancy. I am who I am today because of my life experinces - both good and bad. I know that I love this baby I am carrying just as much as I love my little Liam. Both have changed my life in ways that I never could have imagined.

Just sharing my thoughts on the topic. Enjoy every moment of TTC even with all of the stress - struggles and worry. If a mother can place her baby to give him/her more then I believe that she can do anything. If someone even had a clue what we deal with on a daily basis they would keep their mouths shut and allow us to live our lives no matter what our emotions are at the moment. What is the saying? If you can't say anything nice - then don't say anything at all.