|
Thank you so much for your comments. I also was able to talk to a friend of mine at church who placed a baby for adoption about 2 1/2 years ago. She also made some pretty good points...that got me thinking. I think the most important thing she told me was to write her a letter. Which i will add to and revise ....until after the adoption is final (in less than a month) then i will mail it to her. It really did help to get out my feelings..and concerns...and hopefully she will appreciate my honesty and it won't be to painful for her to hear. I mentioned things our dd says...before or after the visits..and why we feel it is important to have her become stable in our home..and her new family...before she has face to face visits....she really needs to feel like a permanent part of our family...and understand what that means...so she doesn't get so confused when it comes time to visit and she starts to think she's leaving us. I do think we will have one more visit.....soon after the adoption is finalized... after i have sent the letter to her explaining our feelings..and asking her for her thoughts.I think it would be good for her to explain to our DD who her new family is..and that she won't be coming home to live with her anymore. I wish we could have talked about all of this...before the goodbye visit...so we don't have to go through it again..right after the adoption. But then again....it was this last visit and how it affected our little girl...that made us decide we needed to help our little girl feel a part of our family..forever...because she was still so confused.
I just hope that the bmom can understand...our intentions..and not feel like we mislead her and don't want her involved in her life anymore...because we definatly want her to remain in contact.
I have also come to realize...that this was her choice...she did not have to give her child up...she could have continued to try....(I know I would have) this is a choice she made..and it will be hard....wether there is contact direct contact or not....There is nothing i can do to take away her pain...and i can't punish myself...as her new parent...to try and ease her pain. I need to enjoy my little girl...and the new family I have...and what a blessing she is to me. I have no control over...what brought her to my home...and the fact that she came up for adoption...but i do have control over her future...and to help her live a happy, normal(if there is such a thing) life. I have to make decisions...that are best for my (soon to be daughter) and what is in her best interests...and not worry so much about the things...I have no control over. Hopefully her bmom...will understand the reasons why we need to limit the face to face contact until she is more secure....and even though it will be difficult....she will hopefully agree that is in her bdaughters best interests. Hopefully she will see the honesty...and concern in my letter and be able to trust me...as her new mother..and know that I don't want to hurt her...and am not trying to push her away...just trying to figure out what is best for our little girl...right now...and that does not mean....forever...just until she is old enough to understand....and build a healthy relationship with her forever family and her first family.
I hope that does make sense...if you have any further advice...please let me know. Thanks. jessica
|