[2boyz1girl]

We're in a similar situation with our dd's bfather. He relinquished the day he was set to stand trial for termination. In my heart I know that he only did it because he knew he didn't stand a chance at getting custody. He had almost a year and a half to "decide" it was the "best thing for her," yet he waited until termination was staring him in the face. I fully believe that if social services hadn't moved toward termination, this would have dragged on even longer. Even when he told us that he was going to relinquish he kept stressing that he didn't want to do it. My daughter never lived with him, but she had 3-5 day, long visits which were EXTREMELY traumatic on her. She hasn't been on a visit since April and she still freaks out whenever she sees me packing suit cases. I too have questioned the openness and whether we should back off. I think it comes down to putting aside the bparent's feelings and figuring out what is really best for your daughter. We had also originally agreed to maintain contact because it was what the bfamily wanted, but my understanding of open adoption has changed a LOT over the past year. I now see open adoption as more of a responsiblity on the birthparent's part, not just a benefit to them. They (as well as us) are responsible to provide our child with answers -- answers to why they were adopted, thier family history, their medical history. And some day they (or we) may have to answer as to why they weren't involved (allowed) in our child's life. Make sense? I think that if visits are so hard on your daughter, you have every right to back off. Just keep in mind what it might do to your daughter to form the belief that people you love just go away, or other people you love keep them away.