[riley6]

My younger kids were 2 and 5 when we got them. A year after the kids were placed with us, right before the tpr hearing, the bmom asked us if we would adopt the kids if she signed the papers. We told her we would and discussed the OA agreement. On that visit, we told the kids together what we had hoped for (we couldn't say it WOULD happen, bc the judge didn't order it and the bmom could have changed her mind).

After 16 months w/us, the bp's both volunarily tpr'd. We told their bmom that we needed some time to adjust as a family, since we had been telling the kids for so long that the judge would decide where they lived. We felt we needed to give them time absorb that we were their permanent family. I told bmom and her parents that we'd like to have six months, since our OA agreement had been two visits per year. We had planned that before the next visit, our adoptions would have been finalized and the kids would have been secure with us. Unfortunately, there were some issues that we needed to deal with from DCFS, so our finalization took longer than planned. I called bmom and set up an appointment for a visit. The kids didn't even recognize her or her parents sitting in the fast food restaurant. They were the only ones there. We were all very surprised that they walked right past them.

The visit was very hard on their bmom. She did cry at the end of the visit. The kids noticed and asked me in the car and I told them that it must be hard for her, bc she loves them and misses them, but she's happy that they get to live with us.

It's been about four years now and the visits seem to be easier for the kids to understand. Part of it is bc we explained that they will have two visits a year, but they will always live with us, bc the judge ordered it and he was in charge.

I would suggest talking to the bmom just like you did here and explain your feelings to her and that your dd is having a hard time with the visits right now. Ask if she'd be ok talking to your dd w/you there, about how it's ok to love your family and that your family is her family now. I think the fact that the kids' bmom and I are open and honest with them, helped them adjust to the tpr and adoption.

Good luck to you.