[mom2GRLC]

This is what scares me about my foster/adopt situation.

I have been fostering this little girl since she was 14 months old. We fell in love with her and of course wanted to adopt her if she couldn't be returned to her mother.

The mother tried to get her but...when she almost did...she turned up positive for the the drug screening right before court. The mother had seemed so determined to get her back...then 3 days later after court she sighned over her rights for termination.

There were several reasons that i know of....she was worried they would take her new baby into custody...and she might loose both of them...her family was pressuring her to move on with her life..and give her up for adoption...and she was just so sick of trying for 1 1/2 years..that she decided she was done trying..and didn't want to have to go back to court anymore...or deal with DHS.

My concern is that she jumped into her decision to quickly. She almost had her home..then 3 days later she signs over her rights....I think out of fear...more than anything...fear that her other daughter would be taken..and her fight would be long from over.

I worry that she will regret her decision....that she will always live with so much pain and loss...feeling like the system....took away her daughter...rather than her giving her up.

We talked about having a semi-open adoption. Everytime she see's her she cries..and when she has to say good bye she cries. I wonder how she will be able to deal with that...how she will be able to move on...and find peace in her decision...when she is constantly bringing that pain into her life...of having to say goodbye to her over and over again.

I feel so bad for her loss..and wonder if she will...always regret her choice..or feel like she had no choice. I don't want to be seen as the monster who stole her child away from her.

I think my desire for the open adoption...stemmed more off...trying to ease her bmothers pain...rather than...the benefits it can have for my daughter.

I know there is nothing I can do to take away her pain. I know i did everything in my power to be supportive of her bmom..even though at times...I had to testify against her for things that happend during or after the visits.

Part of me wonders if i will really feel like our DD"S mother....or if I will feel like...her fosterparent.If her bmother is still in the picture...calling and visiting.

I wrote on another post...how our DD had a very diificult emotional time before and after her goodbye visit. She really wanted her M. At one point before the visit she said..."I want my mommy" which usually means she wants me to hold her. I told her I couldn't hold her right now because i was driving. then she said..."I don't want you...I want my mommy M...I want my house..I don't want you mommy."

I know she was going through a difficult time...it just makes me think....maybe she would have been better off if her momma M didn't sign over her rights...and didn't give up trying for her. Maybe...for her to move on..and understand that she is home...that we need to not have face to face contact anymore...or at least for several months...until she is adopted and she is older and can understand..that visiting...is just that...it doesn't mean...leaving and going to her house...and being her daughter...it means...visiting. Don't get me wrong...I know she will always have her first mom. I don't want to take her place. I want her to know who she is..and how much she loves her and will always love her and be there for her. I just am confused!!!

How can I help be supportive of her firstmom...and help my little girl understand that we are her parents..and this is her house forever. At one point we got her so prepared to leave us...and go home...then it didn't work out. That only made her more confused. Before that...to her we were her Mom and Dad...this was her house. Now I still feel like whenever she sees her bmom she feel like she is supposed to make the big move to her house. When we try and talk about it..and how things have changed she doesn't understand. We have her excited about getting adopted and being our daughter forever...and staying in our home forever...then when we have a visi with her mom..she forgets...all that..and goes back to thinking..that her momma M's house is going to be her house.

What do you think I should do? How should I handle this semi-open adoption....how can i handle before and after visits...or should i let there be a break...with maybe just letters and pictures for a while. i don't want the bmom to think we've changed our mind..and don't want her in the picture..because that isn't it at all...


Urrg...I'm so confused. please help