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I know exactly what you are feeling..
My situation was that my mother came from poland on visa , had 2 children, placed bothof us and got married and went back to her homeland.
I am very fortunate to have been placed with a polish family, so I completely am absorbed in my heritage, the polish culture and society.
I read an article yesterday in a omline polish newspaper that spoke about adoption and how it is stilla "tabu" subject in Poland. No one talks about it, they dont have forums like this over there, thoughthey do have open records. In Poland they dont tell children at a young age.. its always a very hush hush topic..
In our search, which has turned International now, I have always suspected that she left to go back to Poland to run away from her secrets. I would bet that 99%, her family to this day doesnt know.
I absolutely Honor that.. she has the right to privacy and she has the right for me not to turn her world , her marraige, her life upside down.
So i know what you mean about being discreet! I've been thinking for the past few days about this very subject and talking to my Aunt about it. (My entire family are immagrants, I and my cousins are first generation here in US.) My Aunt understands too the stigma or lack of that goes along with adoption in Poland. She says just jump in and contact her (once I find her, if I do).. but I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT if I feel that it will ruin her life or compromise her life in any way. That is not fair to her or her family at ALL!
At least that's how I see it. As much as it is MY desire to find her and meet her and know her, I can't let just my feelings prevail in this. It would be completely wrong to force myself upon her or to contact her and say.. hey remember me.. Im your long lost daughter.. you know, the one you gave birth to in Chicago?
The approach for me would have to me MUCH more sensitive than that. If we find her, I will not contact her directly but contact a priest in her parish to make the initial contact with her. That's just the way it MUST be done(esp in Poland)-- once I am completely sure that its her.
So what you are going through, I can totally relate. It's the hardest thing to be discreet..lol To be gentle, not to give too much information, to be respectful etc..
But in the long run, what's really driving is us the love we have for our birthmothers, we have placed them ahead of our own wants.. Which is ironic, because thats the exact thing they did for us..Placed us ahead of their own wants.
You are doing great, keep on the road that you are going and follow your heart. You will know what to say to these people that are crossing your path...
I'm sorry your seach ended without you ever meeting her. If its true that we are similar to our birthparents personalities, your Mom had a HUGE heart and a lot of LOVE in her!!
Von
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