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Hi michpadams,
I think that until you can understand what the bparents went through and what they are going through that you will have a heck of a time getting through to them. To be honest, I dont get that sense from your post. I get the sense that you are only reaching out to help out your daughter and that you never would have reached out to the bparents to ease their pain (pain that you must have known they were going through) unless you daughter was in the current situation. I am guessing that comes through in the letters. I dont think a "Hey, I am sorry. My daughter needs you now" type of letter is going to help. In fact, it might just make things worse.
Before anything else, I think you need to connect to them and make them feel like you truly understand. unfortunately, it might be too late.
Regina's posts are always awesome, but I respectfully disagree with the statement, "Now it's time for them to be grownups and for you all to work together to do what's best for this child.". I just don't think that will work. They are likely devastated beyond belief and they are likely incapable at this point of working together in the best interest of the child. That is an easy approach to take from an aparent perspective. It is a nearly impossible post from a hurt bparent perspective.
The bmom of my son to this day refuses contact because of the aparent actions. I know she loves our son more than anything and I believe she would die for him. Yet, she will not contact him in large part because of the aparents. It is that simple.
I felt the same way as the bmom. I was exchanging letters with my son when he was 12 and I simply stopped. They sent me a very insensitive letter and all the anger towards the adoption and the aparents boiled over and I just stopped. They wrote me a letter asking me to reengage and I simply didn't respond. In fact, it probably made it less likely that I would contact my son. They could have written me every week for 4 years and begged and pleaded and I would not have returned a single letter. The only way I ever would have responded is if they somehow let me know that they understood and that they would be sensitive to that. It is funny, but if you asked me during those 4 years if I loved my son and whether I would do anything for him I would have told you yes. However, I still wouldnt write him. It is hard to explain.
I am going at this from personal experience so I could be way off. However, that is how I see it.
Good luck.
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