[tobeafamily]

Well OK we don't always do or say the right things - go easy on us aparents. We're imperfect creatures. Her daughter was having a rough time and it sounds like she was acting in the best interests of the child which is really what it's all about, right?

Somehow, you've got to get them on that page. Here are some thoughts:

Your daughter at 6 is now old enough to communicate directly with her bfamily, though in a supervised manner. I think they need to hear from her about her fears, and also about how she missed them and how sad she is now that they've abandoned (yes, that's the right word) her. They are responsible and answerable to her for all their behavior, decisions, etc. This is not 'tugging on the heartstrings' this is facing the consequences for your decision to withdraw. That is, hurting the 6 year old you love so much you chose other parents for them.

Second, you might consider engaging the services of a third-party neutral mediator to help work through this. Someone experienced in adoption - perhaps from your agency, a religious leader, etc. Maybe they can get you all to the table where you can talk through your various hurts and get beyond them.

You've done your part, apologizing for what you've done. Now it's time for them to be grownups and for you all to work together to do what's best for this child. What they're doing now is as damaging as what was happening before.

This is not about aparents getting hurt (when you see your child terrified and such, it hurts folks) or bparents getting hurt (because things change as this child grows and HER needs change), this is about the child getting hurt, and what is happening now hurting her not only emotionally but developmentally. Can we say 'fear of abandonment' folks? Oops, say something wrong and your birthfamily dumps you. Heavy stuff for a 6 year old.

Lastly, you might want to get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it). She might have some suggestions or ideas for you.

Best of luck.

Regina