[Jensboys]

I think parts of what you say are true - but you are looking at things from ONLY your perspective. Adoption isnt a one time occurance for the child - yes its how they joined your family, but THEIR reality is that they are a lifelong adoptee. Whereas you may have only one child - the child, in all reality has more than two parents (4 infact usually).

So although you may not like using special names for birthparents - its not a matter of respecting THEM, its a matter of respecting your child's reality. If you can accept that a FACT of adoption is that your child has two mothers (one mommy) two fathers (one daddy) it will be ALOT easier for you to support your child through their life as an adoptee.

I think the question regarding calling birth parents "mom so and so" is most often brought up in older child adoption (I think I know which thread you are discussing). Our boys knew their birth mom as "mom". For several years they called her "Mama L" and now they call her just "L". It wasnt about what made me comfortable it was about made THEM comfortable.

In the case of infant adoption you need to realize that the child's birthparent IS parenting by choosing adoption. They are a lifetime parent to the child - even if they arent a lifetime mommy. Some adoptive parents feel it is important to recognize that special relationship with a special name (some on this site use "Bema" and "Beda" or Mama so and so etc) others simply use first names (most are actually VERY comfortable with that).

But even if they are called by their first name - it doesnt EVER change the birthparents reality that they ARE a parent to that child (even if they arent parenting in the traditional sense) and that to the child - they are also a parent.

Recognizing that, Grieving that (at times) and accepting that are all parts of the adoption process that adoptive parents MUST work through if we want to be the BEST parent we can be to our children.