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sfbaby,
I think there will always be situations where people will speak without thinking, so you need to prepare your fd to hear these things. IMO the best way to handle this is to let your fd know that the fact that she is a foster child doesn't have to be a secret. I totally agree that her entire history shouldn't be shared (you'll have to talk to her as she gets older about what's private and personal), but that she is a foster child is the reality of her truth. She needs to know that there is nothing shameful or embarassing about that. I know from your other posts that you don't send that message to her and are more concerned about others who are insensitive. But, I think that anytime we say something shouldn't be talked about it makes our children wonder why. She should never feel that this information reflects on her worth. After all, it wasn't her choice to be in the system, she's an innocent.
So, maybe you could come up with a few responses to those who are insensitive that are beneficial for your daughter to hear. Don't go from the perspective of saying something to make others feel comfortable, but to let your daughter know her worth and the pride you have in her. Does that make sense? I'm trying to think of some examples, but right now am coming up short. If I think of anything specific, I'll repost.
I really commend you for keeping her story private. So often children get discussed without regard to how that affects them. To those who inquire as to why she's in the system. Simply state that is M's story and that it is for her to decide what she wants to share as she grows older. While M might not understand now, you will be laying the foundation to empower her to own her history.
I assure you that everything will become easier... With time dealing with these types of situations will be second nature.
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