[Shoshana]

I have so many thoughts on this topic... First, a little history. I was adopted at 2 weeks and I remember thinking intensely about adoption issues from a very young age. When I was 18, I was among the first wave of adoptees to join ALMA - Adoptees Liberty Movement Assoc. I just absorbed the info, then searched at age 20. I spoke with my birth mother 3 days after I began my search. We've been close ever since.

Without going into the details, it was very challenging for my (a)mom. Initially, she felt very threatened. Within a year or two, she and my father had meet my birth mother and grandmother. Now, we are just one big family. If --my-- mom can overcome her fears, I believe anyone can! Honestly, though, I am very proud of her. I realize it was difficult. Her ability to support me in the search and reunion process and not make it about her made me love her even more.

Here are some general thoughts ---

I think many adopted kids are naturally curious. I also think, however, that there are varying levels of "comfort" within the family for talking about the adoption. Sure, the adoption story is told, but sometimes I think there is an unspoken message that talking "too much" or asking too many questions makes mom/dad uncomfortable. So the adoptee learns to keep quiet. I truly believe that most adoptive parents love their a-child no differently than they would a bio child. It seems like there is no difference, and for their love, there probably isn't.

I think for many experiences in life we can imagine ourselves in another's shoes. We can understand depression because we have been sad. We experience empathy for others' pain because we have had pain - even if for different reasons. I think for some experiences, however, it is much more difficult - even impossible, to truly understand. I do not think a woman can know what it is to be a man, or a white person to be black, or for a non-adopted person to be an adoptee. So, then, there is no difference in the love of the a-parents, but a difference does exist for the child .

Family is sacrosanct in our society. After loving a child unconditionally for years, it must be very challenging to truly accept and support a search/reunion. Not just out of fear that the child might be hurt, but also out of fear that the a-family didn't "love enough" or were somehow lacking. Sure, on an intellectual level, it's easy to understand that this isn't about whether or not the adoptee "loves" the a-family. What it --is-- about, however, is much more amorphous for the a-family to understand and very touchy for the adoptee to try to explain.

Do a-parents feel threatened when their teen wants to spend the weekend with an aunt, or when their college-aged son spends the holiday at a friends, or when their newly-married daughter spends holidays/birthdays with her spouse's family? We have models for those kinds of changes in familial relationship and the parents may experience sadness and perhaps a sense of loss, but I don't think these examples are "threatening." Even though adoption has been around for centuries, it's only recently become more openly discussed. However, it is still not the "norm" for family formation and models aren't always available.

This forum contains a wealth of information for the triad members to read and use as a foundation for understanding.