Quote:
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Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh
The fact that you two find it so easy to talk about your birthchildren and the fact that you are a birthmother only makes me feel worse and more ashamed.
I don't know how to fix this one.  |
One step at a time. The more you do it the easier it gets.
You are the one that needs to set boundries that are comfortable for you. There is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. You do not need to spill your guts to every stranger. Here is part of an outline I use in discussing this at The Lifegiver's Festival.
1) How do we decide whom to tell what to?
A) The Need to know rule. Questions to ask yourself.
1) Who is asking?
2) Why are they asking?
3) How are they asking?
4) What do you think their reaction might be? And...
5) Are you willing to “get into it” if need be?
B) The Need to know rule. What if they don’t ask?
1) Who in your life really needs to know?
2) Why do they need to know?
3) The risks of disclosure.
4) Dealing with fall out.
I never lie about my son's existence. If people ask me if I have children I always say three. I don't give them details about parenting. I can talk easily about all three without that. Most people do not want to know, or need to know the intimate details. If they ask me a question that I don't feel like answering I say, "I am not comfortable answering that." Sometimes I say, sweetly, "Why do you want to know?" Other times I honestly say, "It is too painful to talk about." They really do not need to know even the latter but sometimes I give it to them.
And that is the bottom line, Jenna. In sharing your story you are giving someone a very private, sacred piece of yourself. Determining who that is going to be is not a decision to take lightly. You have a right to your privacy. And
your child has a right to their privacy. Your story is her story as well. There is nothing wrong with not telling the world.
And while you might be thinking to yourself.."That's easy for her to say, she has her story all over the place". Please know that there are many things about my story that I do not share with the world in my writing or speaking. I keep them private because I have created my own set of boundries that
I, Matt and his family are comfortable with.
As far as dealing with shame... you are half way there because you have identified it. I almost did not have other children because of the shame I was carrying around. I convinced myself I did not want them when in reality I did not think I was "good enough" to be a mother. Figuring out that was a decision based in shame was half the battle.
The Spirit of Open Adoption has a great chapter on shame that I think everyone in adoption should read. I agree with Jim Gritter when he says that shame is not how we feel about something that we have done, but is how we feel about
who we are.
You are a good person, and I think you know that deep down, otherwise you would not have been able to stand up to your uncle like that. Find more of who that Jenna is and you will do fine.