[SchmennaLeigh]

I am often in conflict with myself over the adoption. Not so far as regret but as follows:

I am proud of myself for choosing life. I am proud of my strength. I am proud of my daughter.

At the same time, I am ashamed that I was not what I needed to be. I am ashamed that I was weak enough to be talked into things. And I am ashamed to be a birthmother.

Example: I got a beautiful Italian Charm bracelet, previously mentioned, for Munchkin's Birthday. One charm has her birthday on it and I absolutely panic what will happen when some Neb-Nose asks what that means... and it has baby hands and feet above it so it's not something easy to weasel out of... and I hate LYING when I'm blatantly asked a question about something such as this.

Furthermore, when everything went so poorly at Munchkin's birthday party and I was then talking to Jeff and Denise (through sobbing tears) about all of this, he simply said that I should just tell everyone that I am a birthmother. The thought, even just now!, makes me want to vomit. My stomach drops. I have this overwhelming need to be thought of in a positive light. (My therapist says I have obsessive-compulsive personality trait (NOT DISORDER) so I am prone to perfectionism.) Josh and I are planning on telling his Dad (and stepmom, blah) this year. That makes me want to die. Literally. My face is flushed right now! How can I be embarassed even now?

How can I be simultaneously proud and shameful at the same time? I am very confused on this issue. When I get embarassed about these things, I feel as though I am being embarassed about my daughter: but that is not the case.

Someone make sense of me. *hangs head*