[Linny]

I'm not sure that I would have called it 'grief'.....but certainly 'confused'. So much for DCFS (or whatever your state calls it)......it's rough when you've been in the system this long---going from 'one momma to the other'...and I don't care what kind of label they want to put on it.
Having adopted from the system....but from abusive parents......but also having adopted four infants--privately....two of which are grown......I will offer this:
I am not an advocate of very open adoptions....or an assumption that every adoption should be semi or open or closed in every case. (and I'm sure that may garner me some 'negative points' in the popularity corner). That said, I can tell you that it HAS to be hard on your daughter to have had the caseworker (or whomever) tell her one month that 'this is where you're going to live (after two years)....and 'now, thisis where you're gonna live instead'??? Confuses me, and I'm 47yrs old!
I'd allow her to talk as much as she wants about her birthmom. I think you were wise to allow them to talk to each other...and the suggestion of having her birthmother tell her about the arrangements....is a very good and wise one.
Regarding open-ness and 'for how long'.........if you need to make a plan......we were given the advice to never make long term plans---unless you are sure you can carry that promise out----regardless of what happens.

If not, may I suggest that you agree to X amount of visits and/or photos/letters, etc....for X amount of time. With the understanding that you will decide after that time whether it is good to continue with all or part of the agreement. Again, I think it wise to sit down with the birthmother and discuss terms (frequency, visits, etc) for X amount of time. I'm sure this situation has more information than you could write here........good or bad, the visits with the birthmother have obviously brought about some sort of relationship. Only your family knows if this has been a healthy relationship or not. I wish you luck, and I suspect that you--and considering the birthmother-- will handle this well.

Sincerely,

Linny