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jessicagarner -
It is very hard to hear from your daughter "you aren't my mommy". I know it can just rip you apart after everything you go through to be a family. And I know this from personal experience with my own daughter who is now 6. It's completely natural for us to be hurt and deal with those "am I always going to be 2nd best?" type of feelings and everything else that comes with being the parent of an older child with a past and feelings for their bparents.
All I can really tell you is be there 100% for your daughter. Grieve with her in her loss and help her by giving her all the time she needs to deal with the confusion, her anger, and allow her to talk about whatever it is she needs to discuss. Being only 3, she's not articulate enough yet to put everything into words and it's difficult for her to sort out everything in her mind. And yet, in her own way, she is dealing with all the changes, her losses and confusion. It's going to take time for her to reconcile these feelings and needs you, her mom, to be there with her every step of the way; no matter how hard it is for you to hear some things she might say or see things she might do. Don't let her push you away but love her all the more.
I remember once when my daughter told me "I like you now but I still love mommy L more and wish I could live with her." I was floored at the moment (happened about 2 years after the adoption) and just said something like "you'll always love mommy L and that's okay." Later that day I went up to my room and had a good cry and little pity party for myself. And yet, after I dried my tears, I realized that I had even more tears for my daughter. It hurt me so much to fully realize how much grief she had and how in the world could I help her?
I also later realized (after posting here) that it was a big step in our relationship together as she felt safe enough and trusted me enough to share her feelings with me. Can't imagine how hard it was for her to say to me "I still love my other mom better" not knowing how I would react to that, if she would get in trouble etc. And I realized then, that I'm not 2nd best, that she does love me and her grief for her past and bmom had nothing to do with me. It's her loss and all I can do is be there for her, reassure her and be the best mom that I know how to be. And part of that means sharing her with another woman whom I've never met and allowing this woman to continue to be a part of our lives through my daughter's memories and dreams.
As for the open contact...I would shelve it for now, but revisit it later. My reason for this is right now your daughter needs to grieve and accept her loss, bond even more with you and allow time for the confusion to settle. At her age, she won't understand that a visit with her bmom is just that...a visit. In her mind, it confuses her into thinking "I'm going back to bmom". Do continue to talk about her bmom and either through counselling or other means, help her deal with all she's going through, and also accept you as her forever mom. I would though keep some form of contact open with her bmom, through pictures and updates. And later, when your daughter is ready, maybe a visit will be a great thing for her.
Crick
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