[tobeafamily]

First of all, the Judge is wrong. It DOES matter that you keep ties with her birth family and she will thank you for it later. Open adoption does work and it is 'normal'. It takes commitment, a bit of patience and time. In the end, your child will have access to the same information about herself that you do - her genealogical, emotional, medical, social and physical self. She just has it with two families not one.

As to her grief, that's what it is. She understands something is 'ending' and is grieving for it. Her emotional and language development are not 'old' enough for her to cope other ways. I'm not an expert on adoption of the older child. There's a board dedicated that, maybe you can post there for help too? My only advice to you is to recognize in your mind when she says "You're not my Mom" is that in your mind hear it as "I'm sad that my first mom failed me." Be secure in that she's not rejecting you, she's just sad and confused b/c on some level she does understand what's going on and she will remember.

HTH, sorry I can't help more.

Regina