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Hi,
I am an adoptive mom. I agree with many of the posts that writing a letter and sending a picture would be ok.
Please be sure to send the letter in care of your attorney or CPS and do not put your return address on the envelope. I made that mistake once and the birth father of another child we were adopting showed up at our doorstep.
If she doesn’t have your home address that might be the safest way to handle things trust me…it does give piece of mind.
She may be wanting to make amends for what has happened to her children while they were in her care. If nothing else she may just need piece of mind knowing they are ok.
I understand how your husband feels however most women are more sensitive to what other women need. I know that for my husband it would be easier to not respond not realizing that all this woman wants is to know her children are ok. He may be motivated out of fear more than anything.
I do think that if you ignore this it will eat you alive and I do think the bmother needs to know why no type of contact is good at this time.
However...I really think that you should follow your heart and let her know about the difficulties the children have had adjusting.
Please let her know that they are still healing and it probably would not be a good idea for any type of contact at this time. I like your statement about him trying to heal from having to carry the world on his shoulders.
Encourage her to continue to write (only if you feel this way) and let her know that at some time in M’s life you will share her letters.
If you are truly willing to let her have some contact at a later time in life let her know. I do think that somewhere around the age of 10 M might start asking questions.
If he doesn't ask about her or talk about the situation from which he came he may not be ready for any type of contact. Post Traumatic Stress can bite you when you least expect it and it can leave some serious scars for a very long time even after therapy. You may want to consult Ms therapists regarding contact at a later time in his life and what the consequences could be.
I must admit I am a bit concerned that she did not write a side not asking you to let M write you. I am a bit concerned that by her writing and asking M to ask you to let him write her may be showing that she may not be ready for contact.
To me by asking, a seven year old to do her bidding she is being manipulative. In my opinion if she really wanted a healthy relationship with her children she would start by developing a relationship with the adoptive parents. Once the aparents feel that she is doing well then they could extend the relationship to the children.
I agree that knowing and understanding that you are adopted are two entirely different things. I also agree that you should not share this letter with him at this time. Again consult with a professional before you open the Pandora’s box.
If he asks about her you might let him know that you know in your heart that she thinks of him and hopes that he is doing well. All that is true, I think that him seeing a letter or knowing it exists could create some issues that neither of you may be ready for.
One of our biggest jobs as a parent is to protect your child from physical, mental and emotional harm. If this weighs heavy in your heart write M a letter about how you feel about the contact and why and place it with the bmoms letter so that someday he will understand both sides of the situation. He may be a very visual person and your letter may help clarify anything that may not be said.
I hope that you find piece in whatever you decide.
Take care,
Maria
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