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I adopted a 3 year old from Guatemala, he has been home a month and I feel for you.....
Although our situations are different, we do have some things in common....Victor has never had a relationship with his Birth Mother....she gave him up at birth and was living with a foster family since. He was attached to his Foster Mother, very attached and grieved for her deeply. He never asks for her now and talks nothing about life in Guat. but she desperately tried to contact us and see him before we left the country.
I know this is different because she is not his Birth Mother, but it is the only mother besides myself that he has ever known....We allowed her to say goodbye and then told her NO....she could not see him again, He was an emotional mess and I never want him to feel that way again.
So we left the country and that was it.
If she (FM) tried to contact us, would I tell him?....NO, not at 4 years old, Not at 7 and Not at 10....She was not his mother and I feel the grieving was far to great for him emotionally....He needs to feel secure now with me, he is a child........ he deserves to live his life and not be strained by this right now!
If the Birth mother tried to contact him would I tell him? NOT now....maybe at 12 or 14 but not now, I would write her back and explain the emotional burden he is carrying....I would not send her pictures but write her back. I also would never keep it from him...YOU MUST TELL HIM when he is old enough, and settled in enough, and trusting of you enough to understand! I swore when I adopted Victor that I would never hide anything from him or hold him back from doing whatever he wanted to do! But.........7 years old is still young and he needs to be a child! Let him alone for now....there is plenty of time for him to deal with this when he grows up.
I hope my 2 cents helped. I know my advice may not be the best, but it is how I feel, for what it's worth!
Goodnite - Jenn
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