[Jensboys]

Hi!
Brief summary ... we adopted two boys five years ago - then ages 3 and 4, now ages almost 9 and almost 10. I have ongoing written and phone contact with many members of their birth family - a visits are planned in the future but due to great distance we survive through current methods. We have a postiive relationship that I wish was more open but SOME of bfamily is rather unstable and inconsistent in contact.

Anyways, boys are currently resistant to direct contact (which I respect) and as such all contact goes through me. Meaning, I write birthmom/dad/grandma/aunt etc and when they call they talk to me, not the boys etc. Bfamily is very understanding about this and dont ever push the issue due to past history of abuse/neglect. They are understanding of the boys' position in all of this - although I am sure they wish it was otherwise (as do I). Direct visits with the boys and their birthmom etc wont happen until the BOYS decide they are ready - which I can see they are taking baby steps towards and we would expect that they will request a visit within the next year or two.

Saying all that however, bgrandma sent the boys each a Christmas card and money in it. I am requiring the boys to write Thank You cards. The boys are ALWAYS happy when we receive mail from birth family.

Although they have protested writing back to say thanks I simply said "This is your birthgrandma who loves you and she deserves the respect of a thank you". I suggested they call her "Grandma" but they both refused (I didnt force the issue) and I also suggested they sign the cards "Love" but they both wrote "From". Both cards are nice from the boys ... but one in particular said "We are going to my grandpa's house for Christmas" which I KNOW is his attempt at a "dig" at bgrandma. I will send them with a thank you letter from me for her thoughtfulness.

Is this an appropriate balance between pushing the boys into a relationship they are uncomfortable with and respecting their birth family who are genuinly making an effort to show their attachment to the boys (years late ... but better late than never!).

Its a fine line and I would love others input!

thanks!


Jen

PS posted similar question under open adoption forum