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I'm sorry you've suffered the worst loss possible! It's good that you are reaching out, trying to heal. If your feelings of grief are still so overwhelming, it might be good for your to speak with a professional who can help you. A grief counselor might help you, beacuse your pain seems so stong that I'm worried it may be interfering with the other aspects of your life. I don't mean to pry, I just think there are people out there who could help you. I wish you well and may your grief lessen over time to be something you can bear.
Take care of yourself,
Nina
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