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How????
I guess you are looking for more of an answer than "alot of deep thought"..lol
First, I had to take the rose colored glasses off. You know the ones that had the built in tape recorder that said things like, "It was really for the best, What else could you have done, You couldn't have done it by yourself, You wouldn't be here in the place you are now if you had kept him, He has so much more," etc.
It had to be OK for me to really feel the sad part of it..and in a way, I was partly done...I had grieved for the loss of my child at the time of his relinquishment..I had cried those tears that eminate from the deepest heart of your soul...I was luckily never in the situation where it was a secret or I had to just pretend it never happened as I woul dnot let that be the case. I had travel a good distance through the pain, but then I kind of got stuck at the "its all the best, it was hard, but I have no regrets part"
So I guess, that part of the actually grieveing process has got to happen first....the actual mourning of the loss of your baby.
I guess two things kind of happen together...I stopped telling myself how great it was and in result, stopped feeling like I had done such a great nobel thing..and that began the quest of WHY i had done it. All my "reasons" seemed really weak, when stopped believing that I was so "special and strong" for placing my child and I began to revisit who I really was back then.
It was actually kind of surprising...I had mananged to "forget" so much of what I felt then..before his conception..all the pieces of my life.
I had lots of journels and writings from that time period and a date book where I had recorded my day to day happenings...and I started to go back and read them all. And I remembered what it was like to be me then, I started to feel it all over..the sadness, the confusion, the never feeling like I was worth anything and how no one would ever really love me for me. I was able to see the desperation in my existance and my actions and I wondered how come no one was there for me
And I had to be honest about it all..feel it but then be objective from the place I am now. Re-live it for understanding. And the girl I was, the girl who was able to let her child slip away was so very lost and worthless in her own mind...that the adoption became her saving grace. A situation that should never have been, taken advantage and ignored by those who should have cared for and protected her because they had their own needs and alterior motives became a mire that she had to work out all on her own. And in the resolution, which was placing the child, was salvation to her own self esteem. By doing what was said to be a selfless act she became worthy in her own mind and was able to move on in life.
And it was really, really hard to admit it about myself. To see how damaged I was and how I ended up "getting" something from the adoption process. How I needed to have these total strangers, the agency and adoptive parents, quailfy me for goodness because I was so failed and broken from home.
So in a sense. I know now that I could have done it, I could have been a great mother to him and that part hurts, I can understand why I did not know that and I hurt so much for that girl who was feeling so bad that she could not see her own abilities.
Hence, I cannot blame her..and since I was she..I cannot but forgive me.
So a short novel later....the quick answer is to delve deep into your true past self..all of it..and see what made you get to the place where those reasons made sense. It was really hard and very painful..and changed who I thought I was at a core level. I had believed the "good" stuff for so long..believed I was strong and brave..it was hard to really see how hurt and wounded I was.
Sorry for the novel...I guess there is not simple way to describe it.
Know her...know you...understand her..forgive you?
God, I sound so flakey!
Claud
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