[GinnyBinny]

I have started to feel like that too. I have an open adoption with my bson who is turning three in Jan. His parents are wonderful and they are awesome parents. I know I made the right decision, but lately I have thought more and more about the "what if". What if I had decided to parent him? Visits have become more painful. The first two and half years after his adoption I had pain and felt a great loss, but I felt great about the adoption in every way. I felt happy with the visits. Sometimes during the visits I felt a sting of pain and after some visits I cried, but that was a rareity with my visits. Most of the time I was completely happy. Now I still feel good about my decision, love my visits with my bson and look forward to them, but now there have been some times during our visits when I want to run away and cry. I think things have gotten more painful lately because now parenting seems like it could be possible as compared to when I had him in highschool it looked absolutely impossible. Then I had another year and half of highschool left, had to go to college, I had no job, no place of my own, and had no clue if years to come my boyfreind and I would still be together. Now I am in college, have a good job, can get a place of my own, and my boyfriend and I are planning on marrying when we graduate from college. When I think reasonably I know that his parents could then definetly offer him so much more and still can offer him more, and I made the right decision, and the adoption is best for everyone, but in my heart I feel it could of been possible and I think what if I had chose to parent. Plus now he looks so much like my boyfriend (the birthfather) and I can see more and more simularities in his personality and mine and my boyfriends. Most of the time this is just wonderful to see, but sometimes now it hurts.
Since I have figured out why visits have been more painful I have been able to think about it and write about it in my journal and I am already feeling better. Every time when I start to feel bad I remind myself of how good things are for everyone. I remind myself of how wonderful it is to know his parents and the rest of his family, how great it is to see my bson so happy, how much my bson has that I couldnt provide, and how happy his parents are being his parents.

-Ginny