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I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. I was positive that I could parent. I had been babysitting for years. the summer before, I had even taken my step siblings (then 4 and 7 years old) and my cousins (2 year-old twin boys) to the beach for a whole two weeks all by myself. I had spent plenty of time taking care of the twins when they were infants. I was sure I could parent.
What I didn't take into account was that even with WIC, babies are expensive. And they take up alot of time. For a little while, I was sleep walking through my days. Drag myself out of bed after a mostly sleepless night, attend classes, go to work, go home to take care of SD and clean, and do homework. The only time I got to spend with her, I was exausted.
As time went on, things got to be a bit more fun and seemed alot less like work. Now, SD is 3 and is an endless source of amusement for me but still the last two times I got pregnant (antibiotics don't mix with birthcontrol pills and depo is not as effective as they lead you to believe), I placed them for adoption.
Parenting is more work than everything but you also have to work so you can buy things like diapers and clothes and food. You have to pay rent and utilities. And, while your working someone has to watch the baby (or toddler, or child) and family/friends won't always be willing to help. Daycare is also expensive.
I understand the sense of lonliness. I know I could have parented my lost ones but they deserved more. You are lucky that you get to see your son frequently. You get to have fun with him but when he's sick or cranky you can give him back to his mother (who probably thinks of him as her son).
Nothing can change the past but when you are ready to parent, have another child. He or she will never replace the lost one but having SD has helped keep the lonliness at bay for me. I spend so much time keeping up with her and classes (and work when I'm allowed to go back again) that I don't have so much time to think of my lost ones.
I know all too well the things I am missing with JR and JM (my lost girls). I missed (or will miss) their first smile and their first steps. I don't put them to bed at night and I won't get to take them to their first day of school. But I also don't have to stay up all night with a baby that just won't stop crying no matter what I do. I don't have to wonder how I'm going to pay for diapers next month. I don't have to deal with a baby who has picked up a stomach virus and is still young enough for projectile vomiting. Like my twin cousins, I get the fun of playing with them occasionally and the relief of handing them back to their mother when they start to drive me insane. When you start to get lonly, remind yourself about all of the downsides to parenting.
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